Boredom

I received some advice on how to fix my computer, so rather than attempt to contact people to go out tonight, I stayed in, napped, and worked on fixing it. Right now, it is up in the air as to whether or not the problem is fixed. I am doing a full-system virus scan currently, and my mother is making cookies which smell and taste amazing. I am absolutely entirely bored for a Saturday night, but that's being home for you. Things are working out quite differently than I envisioned, and it's ok. I'm ok with it. It will be fine in the end, I know. It's been a little hellish, I guess, but that won't last forever. Tomorrow I'm going with a few work people to a Haiti Benefit Concert that one of the girls I work with is going to be in at Eastern. I'm slightly excited about it, just because it's so rare that I ever get to go out and do anything actually interesting and different.

I adore choirs, and although I wish I was in one, we can't have everything. I'll settle for second best, of going to see someone else's. I could use a beer, but I don't suppose I'll waste one right now. I think I have one upstairs that I can drink later.

Full system scan is taking FOREVER and a day. It will be ok though. Maybe I'll check around on the internet for any jobs that may possibly be available in the near future in my field of study. No matter what, in May when I graduate, I will have to do something. I should start figuring out what it is now. I've been dragging my feet badly in that department lately. I've been distracted by personal matters. That's fine, but things that may define my future are also important. I have to remember that I can't be picky about jobs, and I just need to work, get some experience and move on. It doesn't matter if I don't feel entirely prepared for the job. I have to just go and do it. That's the only way you can learn, anyway. I feel woefully unprepared, but there's nothing to remedy that now. I never really had a plan, and I guess I never will really. This is the closest I'm going to get. Things have a way of working themselves out some way or another. I need to start doing things again, and stop being so lazy and unproductive. I want to get excited for things again. I need to do something to shake things up. My life gets repetitive and boring, and being home is not helping, but either way a job is going to have to come first so I can make money to move out. We'll see, and only time will tell. I wish I was a more patient person. Patience is something I seem to lack. Oh well.

Writing Again

Lately it seems all I can do is write, and it's all I want to do. In here, on livejournal, in a paper notebook. Anywhere and everywhere. It's mostly a way for me to let go of the stress I'm carrying around without having to continually stress other people with it. I know myself well enough to know I can't hold things in when they hurt me, so I either write or I complain to several people I know.

The thing is, at the moment, I don't even understand my situation, and so how are those people expected to understand it? Talking to people about things means they offer their opinions, which in this situation make no difference whatsoever, nor do they have any value or merit. I am of several different minds about it, and so I've been writing. Of course I love talking about things, but sometimes that's really all I'm doing, is talking. It's not necessarily a reflection of anything, it's just how I handle things. I like to talk and talk. I don't really want advice. I never ask for advice. I don't tend to follow people's advice anyway. Usually my own decision ends up being the best one in the end. I'm not a complete moron. I know that I know this situation better than anyone else, it's closest to me. I need to trust myself. Mostly, I just need to remain calm. It's difficult but doable. The moment anger or mistrust sets in, it sets the stage for conflict and confrontation. I know that conflict and confrontation are certainly necessary at times, but I prefer to keep them to a minimum. If they have to happen, I would prefer them to end up in a positive place. I can't do that if anger is clouding my good judgment. I'm pretty sure there is only one person who has ever had me really raise my voice at them outside my family, and that's hard to do. The moment yelling starts to happen toward me I tend to walk away and shut it out. You want to yell? I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say. Yelling accomplishes nothing. I learned this from my parents, who are much more effective when they speak at each other in normal voices. If I yell outside of my family, all it really means is that the argument is bad enough for me to get truly angry, and I don't particularly care if I piss you off because you deserve it. At that point, I'm not trying to make amends. You just need to know that I'm angry, and I will not forget what occurred. Like I said, this has only happened once outside my family. Family is different I suppose. Yelling occurs mostly because we're comfortable and know they will forgive us eventually. Either way, I still don't do too much yelling even within my family. I'm just not a confrontational person. I'm fine with talking things over rationally and calmly, but the second it degenerates into a screaming argument, i'm out.

Anyway, nothing much more to say. I need to take a shower, get something to eat, and head off to work. My workweek now begins on Tuesday and ends on Saturday. I have Wednesday off of course but I have a class on Wednesday nights. I cannot complain about my work schedule though. It is easy and simple. I'm tired of the job, but I do like my coworkers. It, like any job, has reached the point where it is boring and repetitive. I hope that I don't have to do it for too much longer, but as the job market is terrible, I should be happy I have a decent and pretty secure job as a part-timer right now. Here's to hoping and praying I can find a job when I graduate doing SOMEthing. Oh well, off I go.

Non-planning plus computer glitches

Well, my computer has proved unfixable this time. I am at a loss. It runs so slowly that I cannot access the internet, which makes it extremely hard to troubleshoot things. I know the basic problem, but the problem with that is that it is traceable back to any number of different problems that I unfortunately am not a sophisticated enough computer user to solve. I have googled and googled and googled on my mother's computer. I've tried many things. I've been going back to it every several days because I simply can't stand to deal with it for very long most of the time. It's stressing me out, for sure, but it is also proving to be a welcome distraction from other things which I have ZERO control over and are stressing me out far more than my computer not working properly. I can obviously still use a computer, so this isn't entirely tragic, it's just annoying. I enjoy having my own personal computer on which I can do anything. Not to mention I have personal music, photos, documents, etc. on there which I would prefer not to lose. If the problem truly is unfixable...well...I can probably save documents and such without too much hassle so long as the computer still turns on. Even so, I am unwilling to go and pay someone to fix it for me. It is about five years old. I was thinking about buying myself a new one anyway as a graduation present. Graduation is not so far away now, but it is still pretty far away, and the present truly would be just for me, using my own money, of which I am rather short on.

Currently the computer is running slower than ever, and I am attempting to do a registry scan while also looking into my event viewer to see if I can have any miraculous discoveries even though I am certain I will not understand any of it. It's taking forever. I don't care, I need the distraction. I'm stressed to the max, although I have calmed down considerably. I was literally at the anxious shaky point last week, but that's not a very effective way to be, so I've calmed down. I know there's no use stressing over things out of my control, but it's hard not to...as of course these are things that I wish were in my control. They're not no matter what I do.

We're supposed to get big snow tomorrow, and possibly Thursday. Shocker. I washed my car yesterday anyway, as it was disgusting. I have to say, I'm at the point where I am truly tired of snow. Today was almost springlike, and I just wished it would stay that way, especially since Tuesday and Thursday are my work nights. Tonight, there are no distractions but this computer. I think the lack of information currently is the only thing keeping me sane - that and the fact that hearing nothing at least means nothing has necessarily changed and there is still hope. I am sort of clinging to minuscule shreds of hope right now. I guess it's rather pathetic, but what else can I do? I am cold. I feel ill-prepared for what is coming, but the truth is that it is impossible to prepare for in light of recent events. Therefore all it does is cause stress. I'm not a planner anyway, but if I have to defend planning, I will say that it does tend to alleviate stress. At least if you have a plan, you have something to look forward to. I suppose even plans can fail...if Plan A fails and you go to Plan B and that fails and you reach Plan C, your plans probably never would work anyway, so I guess it's better to not plan at all and just let things happen. That is pretty flawed logic, but I didn't do well in Logic class anyway, and it makes me feel better whether or not it is flawed. I don't particularly care. Anyway, I suppose I will find something else to distract me as I've run out of useless things to complain about.

Turmoil

Well I guess things just look like they're simple right now. They are not, at all, but this is not really new, and as always, I will deal. This is nothing new. I am typing this entry on my mother's computer as my computer has decided to break again. It runs painfully slow. Something is using the entire CPU, and I just don't have the energy or desire to try and figure out what it is or correct the problem. Besides, lately I had been getting a bit too addicted to the internet, and my computer breaking afforded me a couple days off in which I realized exactly how much time I waste on the computer. I am on today, but I barely went on at all yesterday. My mother's computer is pretty awesome since it's new, but she uses it all the time at night so I have been reading, mostly. I really don't have a lot to do lately. I am taking one class once a week this semester, and I work three days a week. Some nights I'll hang out with Jess or Allen, and other than that I stay at home and read. I read To Kill a Mockingbird yesterday all the way through. Amazing book. I had never read it before since it was never a required book in any of my school classes, but I own it, and I loved it. I loved reading it not for school. Classics are more meaningful when you read them of your own volition.

I also have been working on making a collage out of a shoebox. I started it at the beginning of last year. I had covered three sides and never finished. I love to start projects but I rarely finish them. I took it out yesterday and worked on it for a while. When it is done, if I ever get done, it will look absolutely amazingly cool. I had to do something yesterday so I didn't go stir-crazy. The weather wasn't so nice. Snowy and extremely windy. All classes were cancelled, so I didn't even have to go to class.

I am a little depressed because things I was hoping would work out for the best are not on that road at all, but at the moment, I have little to no control over the outcome. I just have to go with the flow and move on. It hurts, and it's a constant irritation in the back of my mind, but life goes on. My mother and father have been the most helpful people in dealing with it. Neither of them judge me. I can talk to them without feeling as though it is all my fault. It isn't all my fault. As far as I know, I did the best I could. I don't have any regrets about it - it's just really hard to let go of such a good thing, or at least what I thought was a good thing.

I truly have amazing parents, and I am incredibly lucky. They may be old, and they are not perfect, but they love me unconditionally, and they raised me as a strong and competent woman. Other people may break promises, but I know that I can keep my word, and knowing that makes me feel good about myself as a person. I like who I am for the most part. My biggest issue is being assertive and asking for what I want. I close myself off when I feel threatened in any way, and a lot of times it ends up creating more problems for me, but I dislike confrontation so much. It's so easy to say the wrong thing in an argument. Anger is a very debilitating emotion at times. Reason and caution are thrown the winds when you are angry. I get angry, for sure, but I try to dispel it, because anger directed toward people never ends well.

I know that avoidance is not a good solution, but at the very moment I can't think of anything to say, except, I am disappointed. That's it. I always have something to say, so for me to be at a loss for words is surprising, but since I am still not entirely sure what is going on, I have no choice. I can own up to my feelings, that's about it. Disappointment is certainly no foreign emotion. People disappoint constantly, but with some it matters more and hurts more.

People say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that's true, but I would never give up my intelligence to be ignorant. I know that it is possible to be happy, and in some ways I am. I like myself, my parents, my friends. I even like this little town. It's a beautiful town. I dislike lots of people in it, but luckily I am stuffed in a corner away from all of them. My part time job is ok. It's not perfect, but I know it won't be my job forever so it doesn't much matter.

Times change and people change, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better. I am certainly not in any way changing for the worse, and so in general I feel good about my life. I hope that things begin to fall into place soon, but I know it is going to require some sacrifices on my part. I'm not entirely prepared for those sacrifices, but I'm doing my best to prepare now. Nothing is perfect, but we can always chase perfection, and hopefully it will be just around the corner.

So this morning I woke up to see Newsweek on the table as normal. Being a psych student of course the cover caught my eye as it was depicting both sides of the coin of antidepressants as either ineffective or wonder drugs. I flipped to the articles and read them. I knew the majority of the information presented. There are countless studies that look at the efficacy of antidepressants. The ones which did not yield a statistically significant result were largely unpublished, and the ones that do show significant results are more a result of a placebo effect and the people studied rather than the actual drugs. Most of the studies are biased. Scientists and drug companies alike want antidepressants to work. We all want antidepressants to work, because anyone who has been depressed would tell you that if they could have a pill that would make them happy and not have to live in the dark world of depression, they would take it, in spite of some damning side effects such as lowered sex drive, nausea, etc. etc. etc. This is not to say that antidepressants can't be effective. They are for some people. A personal account on the next page details just that. A personal experience with antidepressants which were highly effective for his personal problems. And though Newsweek uses this short personal account as a representation of the "other side," the author of the article also states that his personal experience does not in any way prove effectiveness for a large majority. Depression is an extremely complex problem which has been introduced into the medical community. Both articles state that the majority of people with depression are treated by physicians rather than mental health professionals. There is something extremely wrong with this.
Physicians use the biomedical model in order to treat disease, and for diseases which we can see with the naked eye which show significant physical symptoms, this works quite well. For so-called "diseases" of the mind, the biomedical model very often fails. We cannot simply give someone a pill and cure them completely of mental ills. It's a widely known fact that even drugs used to treat intense psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia should be supplemented with psychotherapy.
Psychotherapy can and does work, and often without the aid of medication at all. My own personal story proves that. I was offered drugs and refused them. I got better all on my own. My willingness to let therapy work for me was extremely helpful. It is the same reason that people who take antidepressant drugs get "better" after taking them. They want them to work, and they believe in their effectiveness. If I were to walk into psychotherapy thinking it was a bunch of bogus bullshit, the first step my therapist would take is to rid me of that toxic mindset. If that can't be done, then the therapist can't do their job. Antidepressants can have an effect, and do with certain people, but the simple fact is that depression is such a complex problem that the same solution doesn't work for everyone. There are many different levels of depression and ways of experiencing it. There are many different causes of it. In short, all depression is not created equal, and therefore the fact that the medical community is largely in control of treatment of it is quite scary. People think of doctors as wonder-healers at times. Why shouldn't they? There are a great many things that could convince us of this viewpoint. Technology and treatments are oftentimes amazing. Doctors, however, are limited in their understanding of mental illness and treatment of it. It is only very recently that new doctors have been required to study mental illness at all, and even now, often what they learn is limited.
The complexity of a mental illness is difficult to wrap our minds around. There are those who say that depression "doesn't really exist" still.
It does exist. Whether or not it's correct to call it a disease is up in the air. We use "disease" because it removes blame from the person. In this way, it is a valuable way to describe it. If we blame the people who have depression, they will be ostracized and we will not help them when they need help, which is why it is framed in the way that it is.
Certainly it is difficult at times to ascertain the level of someone's depression, and in many ways it is an extremely selfish and self-centered disease, but humans are by nature extremely self-centered, so really it's not so surprising. We are contradictory creatures. There will always be people who abuse help and the system we have in place, but we can't let it sway us from those who truly need aid.
I could probably go on about this all day.
We love to create extremely simple solutions for very complex problems, and I believe that antidepressants are a great example of this. It's very interesting to me that there is such a huge body of research on this and still no definitive answers. The fact that we still have to debate over it proves my point that there are no easy answers, and simple solutions. There is still no "wonder-pill."
None of what I just said here was presented with clear facts and information of course, this is just my opinion on the subject after hearing and reading so much about it, and also my own personal experience. I felt I needed to write something down in reaction to this article for some reason. It is just a testament to how we tend to look at problems in the world through the incorrect lens, and we approach them from a point of view of cure rather than prevent. We need to do both, not just one. The prevalence of depression in our society is scary to me. We are not a bunch of happy-go-lucky people that is for sure. Of course, I one day hope to help treat people who have depression, but it is sad that that is what will give me a job. People who we consider "normal, everyday people" are constantly affected. Clearly there are larger issues in our society which cause such problems, as there are societies that are mostly absent of these afflictions. We have a complex society with complex problems, and yet we are still trying to solve those problems in ineffective simplistic ways.

Confusion and My Life Expectations

I seem to never post in this very often, but I thought of it today. It's Sunday, which is one of those days that nothing ever happens even though I have it off. Unless there is a concert or something that is planned ahead...it's the one day everyone knows that I am free...I never work, and yet no one ever contacts me on it. It's a bit strange, but life is strange, and that is the only thing I've become accustomed to about in my 22 years of life. Confusion is permeating my life right now. I feel stagnant and lazy, but it's like, I constantly want to be alone so that I can think, and try to make sense of what is going on. As soon as I try to do that, and come to some conclusion, I invariably end up more confused than I was when I started, and realize that sitting around is doing me no favors.

In response to this, I'll go out and do something...we did on Friday night, and I had an excellent evening out with two of my best friends, which I haven't done in ages. The only conclusion I can come to right now is that me being stuck at home in my parents house is no longer doing me favors and I need to move out as soon as humanly possible. I love my parents. I just don't like living with them. It simply brings me back to childhood. When I am here I am caught in between childhood and adulthood, because when I am on my own, I am an adult, and I am still technically an adult here, but there is no way I can behave in an adult way when I wake up in the morning and my dad cooks me eggs and makes me coffee, and my mother watches in concern in the bathroom when I get sick from eating bad Chinese. I have to tell them where I am going and when I will be home, and they can't tell me what to do or when, but I still have to tell them. My mother cooks dinner every night, my parents bring in the mail. It's like I'm just here biding my time until I'm ready and strong enough to strike out once again on my own.

The problem here is money, mostly. Money for living, where to live, etc. etc. If I could have my choice, I suppose I would live alone, as I think I have just about had my fill of psychotic roommates, of which the list includes my sister. I do think that I want to go back and live in the area I used to live in, because it is generally closer to the things that I want to go see/do. I also need to think of job opportunities. It makes me wonder if I really need to try and stick it out at home until I graduate and find a decently paying job and then just move near it. The problem with that is that it could take a long time. The economy still blows, and my job prospects are not looking so hot what with me having nothing but one tiny little Bachelor of Arts in Psychology to back me up. Beyond that, I have nothing. No experience. No internships, no volunteer work, no nothing. I don't even have extracurriculars. Undergraduate college education was for the majority of the time a big waste for me. There are parts that could have been more useful if I tried harder when I began, but there are also parts that will never be useful no matter how hard I tried or how good I did. If I had gotten a good grade in Greek Civilization or Symbolic Logic, I somehow doubt that those courses would help me in the long run. Waste of time, energy, and resources that could be better spent learning how to be effective in the career I am interested in pursuing. I now have a general knowledge of many subjects. Ranking of my classes in usefulness ranges from
Most Useful: Women and Violence to Least Useful: Symbolic Logic, a philosophy course. To actually do this I would need to look back on my schedule and remind myself of everything I've taken, but I would rank the majority, not all though, of my psychology courses useful. I would rank all of my sociology courses useful, yup, that's right, EVERY SINGLE ONE. English courses vary in usefulness. Creative Writing...useful for me but not for the future. Some of my English course were enlightening (Poetry, British Literature, American Lit since 1880, Children's Lit) while others were completely useless (English 111, The Short Story). Anthropology courses, generally useless, although Anthro 100W was slightly enlightening. The majority of courses I took for Gen Ed requirements, besides fulfilling those requirements, were entirely useless. (Bio 107, Greek Civilization, Music in World Culture, Anthro 106, Gender in Everyday Life). Those are just examples. I find it funny that some of my psych courses were not useful but all of my Sociology courses were. The reason being? I was not required to take INTRO Sociology courses in order to take higher level Sociology courses. Therefore, the information gained from my Sociology courses was all interesting, SPECIFIC, and relevant. Introductory Psychology courses are generally a waste of time. All you get is simple basic background knowledge. Does it enhance your study of the subject? Not really. The same thing is true for any subject. Introductory classes are a waste of time so long as you are a reasonably intelligent student. The theories, etc are always made much more clear in specific context in classes about one specific area of concentration in a subject area.

I often wonder if it is simply me, or if every undergrad college graduate feels this way. I do not feel prepared in any way for a real job in my field. I feel as though the knowledge I have gained will not serve any purpose in the real world for the most part. I feel ill-prepared, and it makes me very anxious in a highly competitive job market. I think this is partially why I dragged my feet for so long in undergrad. I didn't know what I was going to do. I did exactly what you are not supposed to do in college...I let myself get lost in a sea of faces, and I faded into the background. I am disappointed in myself for this, but there is nothing to do at this point but to move forward. I am quite certain that the only thing in college that ever made me stand out anywhere was writing ability. I have several directions I can turn in. I can go on into the world of Editing, which is intriguing but I know next to nothing about. I can go into the world of counseling, which is related to psychotherapy but is NOT psychotherapy, although I do have a basic background knowledge of what may be required of me in that field. I can continue on to grad school in Clinical Psych, and get a masters in that. Or, I could completely and entirely change my focus, and head to grad school for Sociology, and after that, end up doing god knows what god knows where. The point being...I am slightly more focused but still have absolutely NO fucking clue what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I am terrified of making the wrong decision. If I could have my wish, I would have enough money to not work and to travel. I could spend my life traveling and seeing new places and people, and then settle down back home in Connecticut when I got old. To me, this experience of life would be the most ideal. I would probably learn the most and be the most satisfied. Unfortunately, society and life have not set me up for this. Society has dictated that I must fit into a corner of middle class existence. I must get a job working 9-5 Monday-Friday, find myself a husband, have a couple kids when I am the right age, and settle into a cute little house and be comfortable. Hopefully have a little more than I need and take vacations with my kids/husband when I get time off.

For some reason, this vision of life just doesn't please me. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for fucking disaster, and maybe that is because I see and know SO many people who it just doesn't work out for. I don't know. The "American Dream" for me just simply sounds boring. Unfortunately, the "American Dream" is society's proposed model of success in today's world. It really irritates me. Deviant people are those who do not follow these norms. They have kids too early, get divorced, don't make enough money, and live in shitty housing. These people are looked down upon in society. I think they just fail to live up to society's expectations of perfection. People are by default flawed. We have rigid expectations for them, and some people simply can't live up to them. Some don't want to. I don't really want to. I feel very trapped though. It's difficult to be alone in this feeling, and to see everyone around me striving SO hard for this model of the American Dream. I'm just not interested in it. The problem is what to do instead. What can I do? Technically, I'm supposed to be able to do anything. Go for whatever I want, and become whoever I want. I can in a way, but I am also situated in a position where that is difficult no matter what...because of money. There is never enough money to do what you want. You need money in order to begin. This is how people get roped into the great "American Dream". They think, well, I need to make money to do what I want. Great, 9-5 job, with benefits. They work. They work and work. By the time they will ever make enough money to do what they want, they are too old to care anymore, and simply give up on the whole idea. I just fucking hate this. I am in no way saying that work is bad. It's routine work that gets you absolutely nowhere. I would prefer to just work for myself. Work out of my own home, be comfortable. Take time when I need it. I think what I am most scared of is being BORED. I hate boredom above all else. Right now, I am bored. Boredom is the enemy. It breeds destructive thought processes. I think it's time for me to stop this. This is too long as it is.

Winter and Holidays

So lots going on because it's the holidays. I don't have very long to post anything. I finished all my shopping four days before Christmas. This is a record for me. I have a couple presents left to wrap. The present sent overseas is probably a big fail. My mind was like mush during finals. I couldn't think properly for anything. Of course, it's not making it on time anyway, but it's going to make it there eventually I hope. Something is always better than nothing.
The word I was looking for in the last entry was altruism. I don't believe true altruism can really exist since we always get some sort of something in return. That's what I was getting at.
Michelle got me into this band called Owl City. They make me feel very...warm and fuzzy for some reason. Perfect for the time of year. I think I'll do some baking next. That might make up for the fail package. I like baking, I just never have time to do it. This weekend after Christmas maybe. My work schedule is insane for this week. I had to finish my shopping yesterday or it would never have been done.
My passing out is sort of becoming a bit of a concern now. I passed out yesterday at Michelle's. She said not to worry too much. We think it may be due to hyperstimulation of a nerve. When I finally do go to the doctor, I need to mention it, that's all. Maybe get some tests done. I have always passed out more than anyone else I know.
Have to leave for work in 15 minutes, so that's it for now.