Confusion and My Life Expectations

I seem to never post in this very often, but I thought of it today. It's Sunday, which is one of those days that nothing ever happens even though I have it off. Unless there is a concert or something that is planned ahead...it's the one day everyone knows that I am free...I never work, and yet no one ever contacts me on it. It's a bit strange, but life is strange, and that is the only thing I've become accustomed to about in my 22 years of life. Confusion is permeating my life right now. I feel stagnant and lazy, but it's like, I constantly want to be alone so that I can think, and try to make sense of what is going on. As soon as I try to do that, and come to some conclusion, I invariably end up more confused than I was when I started, and realize that sitting around is doing me no favors.

In response to this, I'll go out and do something...we did on Friday night, and I had an excellent evening out with two of my best friends, which I haven't done in ages. The only conclusion I can come to right now is that me being stuck at home in my parents house is no longer doing me favors and I need to move out as soon as humanly possible. I love my parents. I just don't like living with them. It simply brings me back to childhood. When I am here I am caught in between childhood and adulthood, because when I am on my own, I am an adult, and I am still technically an adult here, but there is no way I can behave in an adult way when I wake up in the morning and my dad cooks me eggs and makes me coffee, and my mother watches in concern in the bathroom when I get sick from eating bad Chinese. I have to tell them where I am going and when I will be home, and they can't tell me what to do or when, but I still have to tell them. My mother cooks dinner every night, my parents bring in the mail. It's like I'm just here biding my time until I'm ready and strong enough to strike out once again on my own.

The problem here is money, mostly. Money for living, where to live, etc. etc. If I could have my choice, I suppose I would live alone, as I think I have just about had my fill of psychotic roommates, of which the list includes my sister. I do think that I want to go back and live in the area I used to live in, because it is generally closer to the things that I want to go see/do. I also need to think of job opportunities. It makes me wonder if I really need to try and stick it out at home until I graduate and find a decently paying job and then just move near it. The problem with that is that it could take a long time. The economy still blows, and my job prospects are not looking so hot what with me having nothing but one tiny little Bachelor of Arts in Psychology to back me up. Beyond that, I have nothing. No experience. No internships, no volunteer work, no nothing. I don't even have extracurriculars. Undergraduate college education was for the majority of the time a big waste for me. There are parts that could have been more useful if I tried harder when I began, but there are also parts that will never be useful no matter how hard I tried or how good I did. If I had gotten a good grade in Greek Civilization or Symbolic Logic, I somehow doubt that those courses would help me in the long run. Waste of time, energy, and resources that could be better spent learning how to be effective in the career I am interested in pursuing. I now have a general knowledge of many subjects. Ranking of my classes in usefulness ranges from
Most Useful: Women and Violence to Least Useful: Symbolic Logic, a philosophy course. To actually do this I would need to look back on my schedule and remind myself of everything I've taken, but I would rank the majority, not all though, of my psychology courses useful. I would rank all of my sociology courses useful, yup, that's right, EVERY SINGLE ONE. English courses vary in usefulness. Creative Writing...useful for me but not for the future. Some of my English course were enlightening (Poetry, British Literature, American Lit since 1880, Children's Lit) while others were completely useless (English 111, The Short Story). Anthropology courses, generally useless, although Anthro 100W was slightly enlightening. The majority of courses I took for Gen Ed requirements, besides fulfilling those requirements, were entirely useless. (Bio 107, Greek Civilization, Music in World Culture, Anthro 106, Gender in Everyday Life). Those are just examples. I find it funny that some of my psych courses were not useful but all of my Sociology courses were. The reason being? I was not required to take INTRO Sociology courses in order to take higher level Sociology courses. Therefore, the information gained from my Sociology courses was all interesting, SPECIFIC, and relevant. Introductory Psychology courses are generally a waste of time. All you get is simple basic background knowledge. Does it enhance your study of the subject? Not really. The same thing is true for any subject. Introductory classes are a waste of time so long as you are a reasonably intelligent student. The theories, etc are always made much more clear in specific context in classes about one specific area of concentration in a subject area.

I often wonder if it is simply me, or if every undergrad college graduate feels this way. I do not feel prepared in any way for a real job in my field. I feel as though the knowledge I have gained will not serve any purpose in the real world for the most part. I feel ill-prepared, and it makes me very anxious in a highly competitive job market. I think this is partially why I dragged my feet for so long in undergrad. I didn't know what I was going to do. I did exactly what you are not supposed to do in college...I let myself get lost in a sea of faces, and I faded into the background. I am disappointed in myself for this, but there is nothing to do at this point but to move forward. I am quite certain that the only thing in college that ever made me stand out anywhere was writing ability. I have several directions I can turn in. I can go on into the world of Editing, which is intriguing but I know next to nothing about. I can go into the world of counseling, which is related to psychotherapy but is NOT psychotherapy, although I do have a basic background knowledge of what may be required of me in that field. I can continue on to grad school in Clinical Psych, and get a masters in that. Or, I could completely and entirely change my focus, and head to grad school for Sociology, and after that, end up doing god knows what god knows where. The point being...I am slightly more focused but still have absolutely NO fucking clue what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I am terrified of making the wrong decision. If I could have my wish, I would have enough money to not work and to travel. I could spend my life traveling and seeing new places and people, and then settle down back home in Connecticut when I got old. To me, this experience of life would be the most ideal. I would probably learn the most and be the most satisfied. Unfortunately, society and life have not set me up for this. Society has dictated that I must fit into a corner of middle class existence. I must get a job working 9-5 Monday-Friday, find myself a husband, have a couple kids when I am the right age, and settle into a cute little house and be comfortable. Hopefully have a little more than I need and take vacations with my kids/husband when I get time off.

For some reason, this vision of life just doesn't please me. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for fucking disaster, and maybe that is because I see and know SO many people who it just doesn't work out for. I don't know. The "American Dream" for me just simply sounds boring. Unfortunately, the "American Dream" is society's proposed model of success in today's world. It really irritates me. Deviant people are those who do not follow these norms. They have kids too early, get divorced, don't make enough money, and live in shitty housing. These people are looked down upon in society. I think they just fail to live up to society's expectations of perfection. People are by default flawed. We have rigid expectations for them, and some people simply can't live up to them. Some don't want to. I don't really want to. I feel very trapped though. It's difficult to be alone in this feeling, and to see everyone around me striving SO hard for this model of the American Dream. I'm just not interested in it. The problem is what to do instead. What can I do? Technically, I'm supposed to be able to do anything. Go for whatever I want, and become whoever I want. I can in a way, but I am also situated in a position where that is difficult no matter what...because of money. There is never enough money to do what you want. You need money in order to begin. This is how people get roped into the great "American Dream". They think, well, I need to make money to do what I want. Great, 9-5 job, with benefits. They work. They work and work. By the time they will ever make enough money to do what they want, they are too old to care anymore, and simply give up on the whole idea. I just fucking hate this. I am in no way saying that work is bad. It's routine work that gets you absolutely nowhere. I would prefer to just work for myself. Work out of my own home, be comfortable. Take time when I need it. I think what I am most scared of is being BORED. I hate boredom above all else. Right now, I am bored. Boredom is the enemy. It breeds destructive thought processes. I think it's time for me to stop this. This is too long as it is.