Turmoil

Well I guess things just look like they're simple right now. They are not, at all, but this is not really new, and as always, I will deal. This is nothing new. I am typing this entry on my mother's computer as my computer has decided to break again. It runs painfully slow. Something is using the entire CPU, and I just don't have the energy or desire to try and figure out what it is or correct the problem. Besides, lately I had been getting a bit too addicted to the internet, and my computer breaking afforded me a couple days off in which I realized exactly how much time I waste on the computer. I am on today, but I barely went on at all yesterday. My mother's computer is pretty awesome since it's new, but she uses it all the time at night so I have been reading, mostly. I really don't have a lot to do lately. I am taking one class once a week this semester, and I work three days a week. Some nights I'll hang out with Jess or Allen, and other than that I stay at home and read. I read To Kill a Mockingbird yesterday all the way through. Amazing book. I had never read it before since it was never a required book in any of my school classes, but I own it, and I loved it. I loved reading it not for school. Classics are more meaningful when you read them of your own volition.

I also have been working on making a collage out of a shoebox. I started it at the beginning of last year. I had covered three sides and never finished. I love to start projects but I rarely finish them. I took it out yesterday and worked on it for a while. When it is done, if I ever get done, it will look absolutely amazingly cool. I had to do something yesterday so I didn't go stir-crazy. The weather wasn't so nice. Snowy and extremely windy. All classes were cancelled, so I didn't even have to go to class.

I am a little depressed because things I was hoping would work out for the best are not on that road at all, but at the moment, I have little to no control over the outcome. I just have to go with the flow and move on. It hurts, and it's a constant irritation in the back of my mind, but life goes on. My mother and father have been the most helpful people in dealing with it. Neither of them judge me. I can talk to them without feeling as though it is all my fault. It isn't all my fault. As far as I know, I did the best I could. I don't have any regrets about it - it's just really hard to let go of such a good thing, or at least what I thought was a good thing.

I truly have amazing parents, and I am incredibly lucky. They may be old, and they are not perfect, but they love me unconditionally, and they raised me as a strong and competent woman. Other people may break promises, but I know that I can keep my word, and knowing that makes me feel good about myself as a person. I like who I am for the most part. My biggest issue is being assertive and asking for what I want. I close myself off when I feel threatened in any way, and a lot of times it ends up creating more problems for me, but I dislike confrontation so much. It's so easy to say the wrong thing in an argument. Anger is a very debilitating emotion at times. Reason and caution are thrown the winds when you are angry. I get angry, for sure, but I try to dispel it, because anger directed toward people never ends well.

I know that avoidance is not a good solution, but at the very moment I can't think of anything to say, except, I am disappointed. That's it. I always have something to say, so for me to be at a loss for words is surprising, but since I am still not entirely sure what is going on, I have no choice. I can own up to my feelings, that's about it. Disappointment is certainly no foreign emotion. People disappoint constantly, but with some it matters more and hurts more.

People say that ignorance is bliss, and I suppose that's true, but I would never give up my intelligence to be ignorant. I know that it is possible to be happy, and in some ways I am. I like myself, my parents, my friends. I even like this little town. It's a beautiful town. I dislike lots of people in it, but luckily I am stuffed in a corner away from all of them. My part time job is ok. It's not perfect, but I know it won't be my job forever so it doesn't much matter.

Times change and people change, sometimes for the worse and sometimes for the better. I am certainly not in any way changing for the worse, and so in general I feel good about my life. I hope that things begin to fall into place soon, but I know it is going to require some sacrifices on my part. I'm not entirely prepared for those sacrifices, but I'm doing my best to prepare now. Nothing is perfect, but we can always chase perfection, and hopefully it will be just around the corner.