Writing Again

Lately it seems all I can do is write, and it's all I want to do. In here, on livejournal, in a paper notebook. Anywhere and everywhere. It's mostly a way for me to let go of the stress I'm carrying around without having to continually stress other people with it. I know myself well enough to know I can't hold things in when they hurt me, so I either write or I complain to several people I know.

The thing is, at the moment, I don't even understand my situation, and so how are those people expected to understand it? Talking to people about things means they offer their opinions, which in this situation make no difference whatsoever, nor do they have any value or merit. I am of several different minds about it, and so I've been writing. Of course I love talking about things, but sometimes that's really all I'm doing, is talking. It's not necessarily a reflection of anything, it's just how I handle things. I like to talk and talk. I don't really want advice. I never ask for advice. I don't tend to follow people's advice anyway. Usually my own decision ends up being the best one in the end. I'm not a complete moron. I know that I know this situation better than anyone else, it's closest to me. I need to trust myself. Mostly, I just need to remain calm. It's difficult but doable. The moment anger or mistrust sets in, it sets the stage for conflict and confrontation. I know that conflict and confrontation are certainly necessary at times, but I prefer to keep them to a minimum. If they have to happen, I would prefer them to end up in a positive place. I can't do that if anger is clouding my good judgment. I'm pretty sure there is only one person who has ever had me really raise my voice at them outside my family, and that's hard to do. The moment yelling starts to happen toward me I tend to walk away and shut it out. You want to yell? I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say. Yelling accomplishes nothing. I learned this from my parents, who are much more effective when they speak at each other in normal voices. If I yell outside of my family, all it really means is that the argument is bad enough for me to get truly angry, and I don't particularly care if I piss you off because you deserve it. At that point, I'm not trying to make amends. You just need to know that I'm angry, and I will not forget what occurred. Like I said, this has only happened once outside my family. Family is different I suppose. Yelling occurs mostly because we're comfortable and know they will forgive us eventually. Either way, I still don't do too much yelling even within my family. I'm just not a confrontational person. I'm fine with talking things over rationally and calmly, but the second it degenerates into a screaming argument, i'm out.

Anyway, nothing much more to say. I need to take a shower, get something to eat, and head off to work. My workweek now begins on Tuesday and ends on Saturday. I have Wednesday off of course but I have a class on Wednesday nights. I cannot complain about my work schedule though. It is easy and simple. I'm tired of the job, but I do like my coworkers. It, like any job, has reached the point where it is boring and repetitive. I hope that I don't have to do it for too much longer, but as the job market is terrible, I should be happy I have a decent and pretty secure job as a part-timer right now. Here's to hoping and praying I can find a job when I graduate doing SOMEthing. Oh well, off I go.