Confusion and My Life Expectations

I seem to never post in this very often, but I thought of it today. It's Sunday, which is one of those days that nothing ever happens even though I have it off. Unless there is a concert or something that is planned ahead...it's the one day everyone knows that I am free...I never work, and yet no one ever contacts me on it. It's a bit strange, but life is strange, and that is the only thing I've become accustomed to about in my 22 years of life. Confusion is permeating my life right now. I feel stagnant and lazy, but it's like, I constantly want to be alone so that I can think, and try to make sense of what is going on. As soon as I try to do that, and come to some conclusion, I invariably end up more confused than I was when I started, and realize that sitting around is doing me no favors.

In response to this, I'll go out and do something...we did on Friday night, and I had an excellent evening out with two of my best friends, which I haven't done in ages. The only conclusion I can come to right now is that me being stuck at home in my parents house is no longer doing me favors and I need to move out as soon as humanly possible. I love my parents. I just don't like living with them. It simply brings me back to childhood. When I am here I am caught in between childhood and adulthood, because when I am on my own, I am an adult, and I am still technically an adult here, but there is no way I can behave in an adult way when I wake up in the morning and my dad cooks me eggs and makes me coffee, and my mother watches in concern in the bathroom when I get sick from eating bad Chinese. I have to tell them where I am going and when I will be home, and they can't tell me what to do or when, but I still have to tell them. My mother cooks dinner every night, my parents bring in the mail. It's like I'm just here biding my time until I'm ready and strong enough to strike out once again on my own.

The problem here is money, mostly. Money for living, where to live, etc. etc. If I could have my choice, I suppose I would live alone, as I think I have just about had my fill of psychotic roommates, of which the list includes my sister. I do think that I want to go back and live in the area I used to live in, because it is generally closer to the things that I want to go see/do. I also need to think of job opportunities. It makes me wonder if I really need to try and stick it out at home until I graduate and find a decently paying job and then just move near it. The problem with that is that it could take a long time. The economy still blows, and my job prospects are not looking so hot what with me having nothing but one tiny little Bachelor of Arts in Psychology to back me up. Beyond that, I have nothing. No experience. No internships, no volunteer work, no nothing. I don't even have extracurriculars. Undergraduate college education was for the majority of the time a big waste for me. There are parts that could have been more useful if I tried harder when I began, but there are also parts that will never be useful no matter how hard I tried or how good I did. If I had gotten a good grade in Greek Civilization or Symbolic Logic, I somehow doubt that those courses would help me in the long run. Waste of time, energy, and resources that could be better spent learning how to be effective in the career I am interested in pursuing. I now have a general knowledge of many subjects. Ranking of my classes in usefulness ranges from
Most Useful: Women and Violence to Least Useful: Symbolic Logic, a philosophy course. To actually do this I would need to look back on my schedule and remind myself of everything I've taken, but I would rank the majority, not all though, of my psychology courses useful. I would rank all of my sociology courses useful, yup, that's right, EVERY SINGLE ONE. English courses vary in usefulness. Creative Writing...useful for me but not for the future. Some of my English course were enlightening (Poetry, British Literature, American Lit since 1880, Children's Lit) while others were completely useless (English 111, The Short Story). Anthropology courses, generally useless, although Anthro 100W was slightly enlightening. The majority of courses I took for Gen Ed requirements, besides fulfilling those requirements, were entirely useless. (Bio 107, Greek Civilization, Music in World Culture, Anthro 106, Gender in Everyday Life). Those are just examples. I find it funny that some of my psych courses were not useful but all of my Sociology courses were. The reason being? I was not required to take INTRO Sociology courses in order to take higher level Sociology courses. Therefore, the information gained from my Sociology courses was all interesting, SPECIFIC, and relevant. Introductory Psychology courses are generally a waste of time. All you get is simple basic background knowledge. Does it enhance your study of the subject? Not really. The same thing is true for any subject. Introductory classes are a waste of time so long as you are a reasonably intelligent student. The theories, etc are always made much more clear in specific context in classes about one specific area of concentration in a subject area.

I often wonder if it is simply me, or if every undergrad college graduate feels this way. I do not feel prepared in any way for a real job in my field. I feel as though the knowledge I have gained will not serve any purpose in the real world for the most part. I feel ill-prepared, and it makes me very anxious in a highly competitive job market. I think this is partially why I dragged my feet for so long in undergrad. I didn't know what I was going to do. I did exactly what you are not supposed to do in college...I let myself get lost in a sea of faces, and I faded into the background. I am disappointed in myself for this, but there is nothing to do at this point but to move forward. I am quite certain that the only thing in college that ever made me stand out anywhere was writing ability. I have several directions I can turn in. I can go on into the world of Editing, which is intriguing but I know next to nothing about. I can go into the world of counseling, which is related to psychotherapy but is NOT psychotherapy, although I do have a basic background knowledge of what may be required of me in that field. I can continue on to grad school in Clinical Psych, and get a masters in that. Or, I could completely and entirely change my focus, and head to grad school for Sociology, and after that, end up doing god knows what god knows where. The point being...I am slightly more focused but still have absolutely NO fucking clue what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I am terrified of making the wrong decision. If I could have my wish, I would have enough money to not work and to travel. I could spend my life traveling and seeing new places and people, and then settle down back home in Connecticut when I got old. To me, this experience of life would be the most ideal. I would probably learn the most and be the most satisfied. Unfortunately, society and life have not set me up for this. Society has dictated that I must fit into a corner of middle class existence. I must get a job working 9-5 Monday-Friday, find myself a husband, have a couple kids when I am the right age, and settle into a cute little house and be comfortable. Hopefully have a little more than I need and take vacations with my kids/husband when I get time off.

For some reason, this vision of life just doesn't please me. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for fucking disaster, and maybe that is because I see and know SO many people who it just doesn't work out for. I don't know. The "American Dream" for me just simply sounds boring. Unfortunately, the "American Dream" is society's proposed model of success in today's world. It really irritates me. Deviant people are those who do not follow these norms. They have kids too early, get divorced, don't make enough money, and live in shitty housing. These people are looked down upon in society. I think they just fail to live up to society's expectations of perfection. People are by default flawed. We have rigid expectations for them, and some people simply can't live up to them. Some don't want to. I don't really want to. I feel very trapped though. It's difficult to be alone in this feeling, and to see everyone around me striving SO hard for this model of the American Dream. I'm just not interested in it. The problem is what to do instead. What can I do? Technically, I'm supposed to be able to do anything. Go for whatever I want, and become whoever I want. I can in a way, but I am also situated in a position where that is difficult no matter what...because of money. There is never enough money to do what you want. You need money in order to begin. This is how people get roped into the great "American Dream". They think, well, I need to make money to do what I want. Great, 9-5 job, with benefits. They work. They work and work. By the time they will ever make enough money to do what they want, they are too old to care anymore, and simply give up on the whole idea. I just fucking hate this. I am in no way saying that work is bad. It's routine work that gets you absolutely nowhere. I would prefer to just work for myself. Work out of my own home, be comfortable. Take time when I need it. I think what I am most scared of is being BORED. I hate boredom above all else. Right now, I am bored. Boredom is the enemy. It breeds destructive thought processes. I think it's time for me to stop this. This is too long as it is.

Winter and Holidays

So lots going on because it's the holidays. I don't have very long to post anything. I finished all my shopping four days before Christmas. This is a record for me. I have a couple presents left to wrap. The present sent overseas is probably a big fail. My mind was like mush during finals. I couldn't think properly for anything. Of course, it's not making it on time anyway, but it's going to make it there eventually I hope. Something is always better than nothing.
The word I was looking for in the last entry was altruism. I don't believe true altruism can really exist since we always get some sort of something in return. That's what I was getting at.
Michelle got me into this band called Owl City. They make me feel very...warm and fuzzy for some reason. Perfect for the time of year. I think I'll do some baking next. That might make up for the fail package. I like baking, I just never have time to do it. This weekend after Christmas maybe. My work schedule is insane for this week. I had to finish my shopping yesterday or it would never have been done.
My passing out is sort of becoming a bit of a concern now. I passed out yesterday at Michelle's. She said not to worry too much. We think it may be due to hyperstimulation of a nerve. When I finally do go to the doctor, I need to mention it, that's all. Maybe get some tests done. I have always passed out more than anyone else I know.
Have to leave for work in 15 minutes, so that's it for now.

This will have to be a very fast post. I took two Ambien in order to fall asleep tonight...I have had them for a while and not used them, and I knew I would need them. My dog was just writhing in pain on our kitchen floor. Squealing. He is always in pain - he's old, and has arthritis and walking problems. He's deaf and blind. But he's never been like this. We all sort of wish that he would just die while sleeping at home I think. No one wants to have to make the decision to put their dog down. I love that dog. He is the best. He's been with my family since I was about 8 or 9, and losing him is going to be like losing a part of me. It's so strange...when I wasn't living at home, I know it would have affected me, but something changed about me being home. It's almost like, I moved home for this. I needed to be here. It sounds crazy I'm sure some people would say, for a dog. But he's my dog, and dogs are not like people. They don't discriminate. They love you absolutely unconditionally on and on as long as they can. Just to see my dog in pain, and knowing I can do nothing to help him feel better kills me. Why should he have to be in pain? Why should he have to suffer? I wish people could learn to love like dogs. That requires openness that people don't have. People are afraid of unconditional love because it hurts when it's not reciprocated. We expect reciprocation from every action. If I do this for you, you do that for me. There is something expected to get back from helping someone do something, even if it's simply a feeling that you get that you helped. I can't think of the word I'm looking for and head is starting to get fuzzy from Ambien but that is what I mean. I'll figure it out tomorrow and edit this. For now, my eyes are getting tired and I need to go to sleep so I can get up in the morning and hope my dog is still alive and then drag myself to work. Everything feels very heavy right now. That must be a sure sign I need to pass out.

Just some current thoughts

I just learned that my grandfather has had a minor stroke. He is 94 years old, and these things happen. Death is inevitable. I am worried, but there is really nothing I can do. I hope he gets better, but hoping for those things is like denying the obvious. I love him and I will miss him, but eventually all life comes to an end. We just don't know when it will happen.
I miss my other grandfather immensely. He died last Summer. I have a ridiculous amount of respect for that man. He was truly a good person, with a good heart and soul. I see so many heartless soulless bitches day after day that it is hard to believe that anyone could actually have a heart, but he did, and I will always hope that I can be half the person he was. I want life to be worthwhile. I don't intend on wasting it being miserable and scared.

I cannot graduate when I thought I would be able to. I am taking three week courses over Winter break to make up for it. The end of January can't come quickly enough. I don't know what I am going to do. I wish I had enough money so that I could volunteer for a while and not work for money. I very much want to become a certified counselor for battered women. I am taking a class in women and violence, and it makes me want to help in whatever way I can. Women in this country need to have a place to turn when they have no other options, and no one to talk to and nowhere to go. I feel like in school I am doing nothing but a very good job at fading into the background. I don't especially want to be in the background. I don't want to be center stage either, but I want to be doing something worthwhile with my time. I don't care how much certain people argue for education, there are so many things wrong with it and the way we learn and the things we learn in college. There are many useful things, but none of my four and a half years in undergraduate education has even begun to prepare me for a job. Since we are forced to have a job and make a living in society, you would think they would do a better job in preparing you for a real-world job. Mostly all I have gotten from school is to get very very angry at all the injustices and inequality in the world, and to learn that there are even more problems and more injustices in the world than I was aware of when I started. When I think of it on a grand scale, it frustrates me, because there is only so much one person can do. I have focused my education on mental health, and I can only hope that at one point I am in a position where I can actually help people. So many people think that mental health problems are either very easily solved or don't exist at all. It's frustrating because they're very real, and so often the people who have mental problems are just chastised for being "crazy" or "insane" or for not "manning up and dealing with their issues." Wouldn't it be nice if instead of chastising these people, we accepted that they had a problem, helped them to solve it, and in doing so, made the world a slightly better place?

I don't understand why people are so bent on hate and fighting and anger. I don't understand why people are so closed-minded, and will never admit they are wrong. I don't understand why some people seem to never grow up and prefer to instead stay stuck living in a happy little bubble where nothing bad can touch them. I don't understand why people preach a whole load of bullshit and never follow through on it. Every day I wake up and want to be a better person than I was the day before. Isn't that really all we can do? We can just keep going, keep moving, and make life worthwhile. Our country feels like it's in a state of turmoil with every side pointing fingers at one another. There is so much ANGER everywhere, in everyone. I think people don't even really know where the anger comes from. They're just angry, and when you're angry, you don't really see things clearly. You are simply angry, and nothing will satisfy you except a release for that anger. Too often this release is not brought about in a proper manner, and it makes otherwise intelligent people speak or act in very foolish ways. I feel as if things would be much easier to deal with if people learned to be honest about their feelings, and also accepting when other people are honest about their feelings. We are afraid of feelings because they can hurt us in ways that we have no idea how to deal with. You can't put a band-aid on a broken heart.

Rain and More Rain

Basically that is all this summer has consisted of weather-wise. With the exception of a couple days, it has rained and rained, and it's still raining. There hasn't been any ungodly hot weather at all. Where is summer? Why have I not been going to concerts? Why haven't I been to the beach? Am I really complaining? Not really. It's just been a different summer, that's all. I am starting to remember what I did when I was at home in Stafford. Listen to music, read, decide to do things like learn to play guitar because I get overly motivated. Talk seriously with my dad about finishing the house - cleaning everything out of here and laying down the floors, then putting real doors on, finishing the siding, etc. To do this, everything in this house needs to disappear. All of my mother's stuff. Junk piled upon junk piled upon junk. Most of it could be thrown out or recycled. Do we use it? Not really. I can only imagine if this house was the beautiful house it should have been. My dad walked me around and explained what it was supposed to be like. I wish it had been. My parents deserve it. Time for dinner.

Home Again

Sometimes I think everyone needs a fresh start. It's what I've been needing for a long while. Also, a break from all the parties and nonstop craziness. Don't get me wrong, I love parties and partying. Sometimes though, you need to get away from everything. There is no better place to do this than in this humble corner of this small town. I am enjoying being home for the moment. The shower is terrible as always, and there are far too many bugs to suit me, but I missed the space, and not being bothered by people whose lives I could give two shits about. My landlady can suck it - so glad I don't have to deal with her anymore. I do not plan on being here for a long time. Longer than the two months I was here for last time, but not for a long time.

Some other random thoughts:

- I appreciate things so much more now.
- I'm currently completely and totally head over heels.
- This means I am in danger.
- I am simultaneously loving and hating every second of it.
- Hopefully I will be visiting Kansas in the next month.
- No one that I know will be happy about it, or think it's a good idea.
- Fuck reason, and fuck their opinions.
- I want to go back to school so I can get it over with now.
- I don't even feel like the same person I was a month ago.

Twilight Zone

Right when I think my life is awfully boring, then bam...along comes something that forces me to think otherwise. I'm definitely in a transitional period right now. I don't know what it is or why every time I have to move in and out of an apartment there is change happening that is not just my living situation. Usually it has nothing to do with me moving at all, and once again, this is the case. I don't know what to make of it except that mostly it makes me feel like I am constantly living in a strange Twilight Zone - someone else's life that can't be mine but is so very mine at the same time that it couldn't possibly belong to someone else. I do not care about other people's bullshit problems or their immaturity. It doesn't seem important. Probably because it really isn't. My parents did call and stress me out earlier, but a few beers and some leftover stuffed shells should solve that problem pretty quickly. I haven't been sleeping enough.

I have learned how to drive my car decently well...certainly not perfectly and tonight on my way home from work I regressed. I stalled three times. I haven't stalled at all in three days. That's what overconfidence does to you. I do just need to keep doing it, though. I have been doing better. Not perfect, but much, much better. I absolutely and positively ADORE my car. Pretty much everything about it is amazing. Most people were much happier for me about it than I anticipated. I have developed a habit of expecting very little from people. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's bad. I know exactly where it came from and why. It's good because when people don't do nice things I don't get upset. If someone treats me like shit, I can just let it roll off my back and have no worries - I wasn't expecting anything more. On the other hand, if someone does treat me well and is nice to me, I am questioning them as to why I deserve them to be nice to me. I know it's a bit fucked up, but it's a bad habit I can't get out of. I am always appreciative, but I guess after meeting so many fucked up people in life, I have lost my faith in goodness a little bit. I need to work on that. I think I'm going to see if I can get my internet to play some TV shows since I no longer have a TV here, and try to not think so hard about everything and enjoy my beer. Worrying is such an unnecessary waste of time and energy.