I have not written in a long time, especially publicly.  I always write, I just don't always post it on the internet for everyone to see.  Funny thing about this blog is that it remains rather anonymous even though it is public because I barely ever tell anyone I have it.  It's probably better since it seems that most of the stuff I have posted here has ended up being ramblings or rantings about my life.  Just things I need to get off my chest.  There's no rhyme or reason to it.  I like posting here once in a while, going back and reading, and seeing how my life has changed since the last time I posted.  It's definitely helpful because it helps me to see that I do make progress and changes in my life, even if they are sometimes slow. 

Last time I posted about the wine manager position and its potential.  I decided this evening I have changed my opinion about it.  Life is all about perspective.  I tend to lean toward the cynical negative side of things, so I have decided to change my perspective.  If I were, say, a highly optimistic, enthusiastic person, I would have had a completely different outlook.  I would have not thought of the position as being what people can teach me, but rather what I can learn from other people.  That is the problem I'm having.  I always wait for other people to make up their minds and figure out what they're doing, when in actuality, all I really have to do is just do it.  All the cards are in place.  I cannot rely on people to learn for me.  I have to teach myself.  This opportunity is going to be all about what I can make of it.  It has nothing to do with anyone else.  And that, inherently, solves the question of if I'm going to be married to my job for years and years.  I've already decided the answer to that is no.  No matter what I've decided, if something better comes along, and the time is right, I will move on.  I won't feel guilty.  I'm just going to do what I need to do.  If I'm teaching myself, then I don't have to feel indebted to anyone.  And I am.  I love learning about wine.  The whole world of it is fascinating, and I feel like I've barely started.  I hear these salesmen and presenters talk about their trips abroad to the tiny vineyards in Italy and France and I just hope that one day I get the opportunity to do what they are doing.  They will never work 9-5 jobs, but it doesn't matter when you get the opportunities they do.  It's definitely not all fun and games for them either - often they are just tasting and spitting, which is honestly not the most attractive part of the job.  Then again, how are you going to taste hundreds of wines without getting shmammered?  You spit, and it's gross.  There are occasions to enjoy and occasions to taste.  Just like any other job, it has its downfalls.  I love learning about it all though.  There are so many different stories and schools of thought.  Everyone has a different opinion.  Taste is so subjective.  It's really the variety of it that I like so much.  There is always something different and something new to learn.  I'm just beginning, but it's good so far. 

Drinking some new Sixpoint Resin and contemplating my last few journal entries.  I hate how I flip around so much.  It's just so clear I'm directionless.  A couple months ago I was bemoaning my job and saying how much I wanted a new one, and now I'm contemplating the wine manager thing.  The wine manager thing is what I'm going to call it, because right now it's turning into a mess of stress that I don't want to deal with.  I told my boss I was interested.  This is the truth.  I am very interested.  Unfortunately, I think that he doesn't see it as something serious, and that is a big problem for me.  He is being rather cavalier and nonchalant about the whole thing now.  Before, he was making it out as if it were a big deal and it was going to happen right away and blah blah blah, but now it's "we'll talk sometime this week" and "Well I got you up to 40 hours for the time being and we'll continue our talk in the next couple days" BLAH BLAH BLAH. 

I am not willing to get screwed over by this.  I'm just not.  I fully intend on dictating this to him.  This is important to me.  It's my future.  I want him to take it seriously.  If he's not going to take it seriously then it might be time for big changes for me.  Such as...quitting.  Quitting is a scary thing in this economy, but sometimes I think I just won't be able to motivate myself to get another job unless I don't have one at all.  The problem is that I am hearing different things from different people, and they all make sense.  Some of my friends and family are extremely excited, but others have reservations.  The problem is that the reservations are coming from my coworkers who have worked with my boss and know how he can be.  They understand why I myself have reservations about essentially marrying myself to this place for years.  My problem is that I don't think my boss is taking this seriously.  Huge f-ing problem, and I am bouncing back and forth like a damn yo-yo on it.  The problem is that without this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing either, and then I'm back to square one, which is back to sending out resumes and selling my soul to huge corporations who could give a shit less about their employees. 

Life is stressful.  Gotta make money, and have to sell your soul to do it.  It seems to be the way of the world today.  Not everyone is going to get rich with their own business, but for anyone who doesn't, the future seems rather bleak.  The future of everything seems pretty damn bleak, but I'm a cynic by nature, so you never know.  I am more confused than ever. 

Job Dilemmas

I haven't blogged anything in a long while, and if I knew more people read my blog (a very teeny tiny number of people even know of its existence) I wouldn't write this here at all.  I have a need to hash out a dilemma.  I have been writing about trying to find a job after college and being directionless as to a career path for two years.  I am nearing my 25th birthday.  It's less than a week away.  I have long since realized that my degree is probably going to go to waste, and that perhaps the career path I thought I wanted, which was counseling, is not really what I want at all.  I have had a few interviews, a couple of which I haven't bothered pursuing because of distance or pay or both.  I had an interview for a job a couple weeks ago which went very well but was simply a receptionist position in an insurance claims management office.  I had a good feeling about that job after the interview, but after two weeks time I received an automated email telling me that the position was cancelled and would not be filled.  I have gotten extremely tired and cynical about the entire job hunting process.  It seems doomed to make even intelligent unique individuals fail.  It's a tangled web of resumes and qualifications and hiring managers and HR departments, all which seem designed to reduce human beings to numbers. The cover letter is a guise to make job seekers feel as though they may have a chance to stand out in the sea of qualified applicants. These days, the best and simplest way to get a job is by knowing someone.  They call it networking.  Networking gets people jobs that they aren't even qualified for.  All you need is one person to vouch for you and the job can be yours.

Anyway, as a shy person, a lot of that is difficult for me, although I do see its value.  I do not think it's fair.  I think nothing about the hiring process is fair, but as life isn't fair as we all know, this is a consequence of that.  All of this has led me to my current dilemma.  After hearing that I was not going to get the job at the claims management company, my boss at my current job offered me a sort of promotion.  I work at a very large wine and liquor store.  I always have to explain to people that's it's not your skeezy corner package store.  It's a big store, and I have two bosses who are dedicated to their business and cater to the more high end customer, meaning the customer who buys the expensive craft beers, fancy liqueurs, and fine wines.  There is an enormous customer base for this - larger than most people realize.  Anyway, I have two bosses, one who handles beer and liquor, and one wine.  They are twin brothers.  Previously at my job I was a part time cashier, who moved up to full time for part of the year when I became a shift manager for the cashiers.  Basically I'm still a cashier, I just have more privileges than the rest.  I get called on when there is a problem, train people, etc. etc. etc.  I am not a manager for the whole store.  I have no say at all with the beer stock boys or the wine department unless I am helping them with stocking. 

Obviously I've learned a great deal in my time at the store about beer and wine and liquor.  Beer and liquor is simple, and because of our extensive selection of craft beer I've developed a taste for it and an interest in it and recently started homebrewing.  Wine is more complicated in my opinion.  I have learned the basics but I still consistently have to call who I call the wine guys even for simple questions.  I feel unconfident when talking about wine as opposed to how I feel talking about beer or liquor with customers.

Then my boss asked me last week, if I would like to be made into a wine manager.  Apparently he was planning on hiring a new person from within the industry already, but he told me that if I am willing to commit to stay there for some time, then I would receive better pay and benefits, full time hours all year long, and that he will teach me everything he knows about wine.  This is extensive.  It is flattering.  It also means I would be stuck there for a number of years, but also that I would have the potential to move up and on in the business eventually.  It means I'd be working one on one all the time with my sometimes irritating boss and the current wine manager who can be very nice but also has a huge ego.  They are both men in their upper forties to fifties.  Very conservative, business minded people.  They are also both incredibly knowledgeable about wine.  I don't know where they learned it or how, but I've always been intrigued.  My dilemma is with the time commitment, as well as the seriousness of what he's telling me.  Is he actually going to have time to teach me all these things, or am I going to be fed to the wolves by customers who need good wine recommendations?  It's a chance to get away from the cash register and to make more money, to be stable.  Probably it would have terrible hours (mostly nights) and I don't know how much money he's talking about.  Either way, it would help me pay for my apartment that I'm planning on getting with a friend soon.

All of these things are plaguing me, and I need to ask him these questions before I make a decision.  He gave me a week to think about it.  I know that he thinks I can handle it all, and that in and of itself is very flattering.  At the same time, I already feel stuck where I am, and I don't want to end up in a position where I'm more stuck but unhappy doing what I'm doing because I'm awful at it, or just wishing that I had actually done something with my degree.  It means that my bosses will watch me grow up even more, and watch me succeed or fail.  I don't want to fail.  I am interested in wine, but I don't have the confidence with it.  Essentially what I'm doing is sales, something I never thought I would do.  I really wish someone would tell me what to do, but I have nothing.  I have a week, and then the offer is gone.  I'd like to think that I have so many more options available to me to choose from, but I really don't.  I have nothing ahead of me but the liquor store, as depressing as that sounds.  And isn't it better to be making more money doing that than to be bored as hell as a cashier?  It's like...I'm here anyway...why not make the most of it?  When I look at it that way, it's hard to say no.  There are other things to consider though.  I feel like he's giving me an offer that he knows I can't refuse.  It would be fucking stupid to refuse it.  But what if what if.  What if it doesn't work out?  I can't go back to being a cashier?  Then what?  What if it turns out he doesn't have the time to teach me everything he knows.  What if I feel like moving away in a year or two years?  Two years from now, who will be working at the store, who will I be, where will everyone else be?  Too many questions without answers.  I'm tired and all of this still hasn't led me to an answer.  Happy almost 25, Aubrey.  Good night.

FAT v. skinny, skinny v. FAT

For whatever damn reason, my facebook page is blowing up with people posting pictures of girls of various sizes trying to defend what is the "perfect" sized woman. Let me start out by clarifying that I am pretty sure I qualify as a skinny girl. I'm 5'5", 115 lbs. Not model skinny, but skinny. Below average weight for my height but not even close to the unhealthy range. I've been about the same size since about sophomore year of high school. I've always been a skinny girl - I inherited it from my father who is 6'2" and skinny as a rail. Thanks genetics. I much appreciate not having to worry about my weight.

This has not, however, stopped people from giving me shit about my weight for pretty much my entire life...starting at about middle school age I'd say. I think it's a common problem for girls of any size. Everyone has an opinion (my facebook page proves this) about what ideal body weight is and what is and isn't a healthy weight. The comments about my weight range from "You're anorexic/bulimic and starve yourself," to "I'm so jealous and wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight," to "you're gonna blow up like a balloon one day when your metabolism slows down and then you're gonna gain a whole bunch of weight." Yup, thanks for the vote of confidence. Anyway, the point here isn't my weight, or it being ideal, it's simply that there is a range of body types, therefore there is a range of healthy weight. Weight is related to height as well as many other factors.

I am incredibly sick of girls thinking that they need to maintain a certain body type in order to impress guys. Guys are not all cut from the same mold. If you read crappy women's magazines like Cosmo they are, but the real world is a bit different. Being a small chested women, I have grown to appreciate this, and realize that there are many many guys out there who have no problem with and actually prefer smaller breasts. There are just as many who like the opposite. Some guys prefer a smaller build woman and some prefer one with more "curves" as the Politically Correct universe would have me say. And who the hell cares? I prefer a certain type of look on a guy as well. I know there are girls who like different than me - I question my two best friends all the time as I just can't understand the men they are attracted to. People are going to be attracted to different people for different reasons - shockingly even ones that aren't related to looks at all sometimes. It doesn't matter. What does matter is how healthy a person is. If they are healthy and happy even if they are bigger, that's fine. If they are thin and happy, fine. Why must we always criticize another person just because they are different from us? Bigger girls hate "those skinny bitches" and thinner girls hate "those fat bitches." Then we females wonder why men treat us like bitches. I'm sick of this big competition women have over which is better. If "big is beautiful" then skinny is beautiful too. Why can't it just be that "women are beautiful" (minus a few uggos of course...had to have my little lol in a serious post).

Anyway - I don't care what the hell size you are if you're a nice, intelligent person who can carry on a decent conversation. You could be the most attractive guy in the world and then open your mouth and a river of bullshit starts flowing and you suddenly become less than interesting. What good is a pretty face and body with no mind to back it up? Sex I suppose, but even that can get dull with a dull personality. I'm over this topic - was never really that into it to begin with. I get irritated with all of the judgment and bullshit that goes along with weight. Be healthy and be the best you you can be. If someone doesn't like your appearance right from the get go, it's just a waste of your time. Find someone who appreciates it. They exist.

Officially way too late for me to be awake - because I'm old, I guess. I still am, only because I have nowhere to be until 4 pm tomorrow. I need a new job, and not because I hate my job. I don't at all. I like it more than some other things in my life, such as my overcritical and perpetually stuck up family that has major problems dealing with emotion.
I adore the people I work with for the most part - they are fantastic people that I don't mind seeing daily. I'm just bored with the job. I've come to the point where I can't do much more than what I'm doing, and I'm not really interested in doing more. My knowledge of the world of wine, beer, and liquor has been sufficiently enhanced, and I do enjoy learning about it, but I don't plan on making a career out of it, as much as my boss might suggest I do. I'm really sick of the customers. I'm not sure if it's just the time of year, or if I'm extra sensitive for some reason, but they've been getting under my skin more than normal. I'm generally very good at letting idiot customers (of which there are many) not get the best of me. I shake it off and move on. That's been harder lately. I find it hard not to roll my eyes at them. I always so want to open my mouth and tell them what's what. I can't do that. It's not my job. I just want to. I'm sick of customers who assume they know more than me. You don't. You never will unless you work in this business. I'm bored.

Boredom seems to be the story of my life. I get bored of things easily. I find a beer I like - awesome. I'll drink it one or two times more maybe until I'm onto the next one. Same with wines. I do go back to ones I like eventually, I just need variety in between. I am the queen of seasonal everything. It's in season or not. I'll just find something I like for this season. I'm not one to cry over seasonal beers disappearing, nor limited releases. They always come back. If a limited release is good enough, a brewery will release it again and it will end up on shelves as a regular rotation. If not, I'll just find something else. Beer and wine are so varied which is one of the reasons I love it. I can always try something new.

I also get bored with boys (men? I don't meet many that can fall under that category), but all the same...boredom. Boys get so dull after a while. They all have their few quirks that are cute for a while. Then they do the same shit over and over and over. It's so tiresome. I have no idea if I'm any more interesting, but clearly I don't need to criticize myself on my own blog. My cursor seems to have disappeared and I am trying to figure out why my 60+ year old mother feels the need to stay up until nearly 3 am. I will outlast you mom, I promise. I'm so my parents daughter sometimes it scares me. Too much alike. I have a lot of both of them in me. It's easier to compare myself to my dad as he is definitely the more hip one of my parents, but I inherited much of my mother as well, and I know it. I don't always like being like either one of them, as I think by nature they are very negative and cynical people. They are thinking people, and too often thinking seems to cause negativity and cynicism.

I have things to say, and I'm not sure how to say them. I don't want to say that I've stopped caring, because that isn't true. I have not stopped caring, nor do I care less. I haven't stopped trying either. So...what the fuck is wrong? I'm different - at least different than before. I'm not sure how, but I am. I haven't stopped caring at all. The things that bothered me in the past still bother me. Some things I don't think will ever fully leave me, but I guess that's what falling in love and losing it does to you.

Everything now is matter of fact. I'm more just watching how people act, without reacting or doing anything. Life is a hell of a lot easier when I just don't bother to get involved in stupid things. So...in a way I've stopped trying. Not for myself, for sure. I'm still fighting like hell to do the right things for myself. But I guess with other people - I'm just watching them now, and feeling nothing. Feeling nothing, as they break up and get back together and get married and lose jobs and start jobs. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't have the energy for people fighting and angry or upset. Even people who are elated and happy and thrilled. Nothing ever changes, and I continually watch people live up to the worst versions of themselves. Maybe it just becomes too painful to watch after a while so I'm numbing myself to it. I don't know. At the same time, I feel happy right now, at this moment in time, with my life. What makes me unhappy is the knowledge that at some point I have to do something different, because it will not be acceptable for me to do this forever, what I'm doing now. So...I will have to put myself in more miserable situations in order to change things for myself because my current situation is no longer acceptable. And it is this that tortures me, because I feel I am running out of options, and all the while falling behind, and well...that sort of kills my good spirits.

It certainly doesn't help anything that the state of America and its government is pretty fucking awful. This is the worst I've ever seen it in my lifetime. It's just arguing and name calling and finger pointing from one side to the other, and from the people actually in power, lies on top of lies on top of lies. We have lies from the people in office and lies from the people trying to run for office. We have a nation of people who are no longer at all united. We have people who don't even remember what it is to help out their fellow man once in a while. These people are so ANGRY. I just don't get it. Being angry is accomplishing nothing, but being complacent isn't either. I think that nobody knows what the fuck to do. At this point, listening to half of the country we all may as well throw up our hands and grab our guns and pray for our lives because, well, fuck the government, right?

I understand everyone, and I understand that people are frustrated and people don't know what to do. I understand that no one has money anymore and yet they are always asking for a little more and raising the taxes a little higher, and you know what? No, it's not fair. There really isn't a whole lot of "fair" involved. The problem is that no one has a good fucking solution. No one can figure out a way to give everyone an equal and fair opportunity. It's impossible to have a social program that some people will not figure out a way to exploit. We have tried the "solution" of tax breaks for the rich and hoping it trickles down the the rest of the population - can we please just all accept that this doesn't work? I feel as though the problem right now is that there is no one person who can feasibly fix the economy and the state of our nation, so all of this debate and BS over presidential candidates and who can do what is all nonsense. I'm so fucking sick of hearing about it that I want to go live on a mountain somewhere far away from anything political and go crazy like Tom Hanks did in Castaway and start talking to a flipping volleyball. That would be vastly preferable to listening to all of these rich assholes talk about Michele Bachmann vs Ron Paul vs Obama vs whoever goddamn else. Like fuck, I just want to enjoy my life.

Unfortunately I guess, life is complicated. It really shouldn't be all that complicated - either you live or you die, but we are supposedly so much more advanced than animals so we have to complicate it. I'm tired of it all. This is a terrible entry. Oh well.

I really should be getting to bed, but I haven't written anything in so long and I was feeling it. I have settled into a rather grownup routine when it comes to going to work in the mornings, and while it doesn't suck nearly as much as having to be at school everyday, it's still pretty terrible because while I can completely see how routine makes everything easier, it is SO DAMN BORING. Oh well.

I really thought I'd be in a different place at this time in my life, but it seems that that is not in my cards. I'm bad at predicting my own future, and it's probably a good thing that it never seems to work out my way, because if I look back at times where I wish I could have chosen a different path I can see how much worse things would have been right now. They are not terrible. I cannot complain. I guess I just get bored easily. Like my father says though, really nothing about life matters except water, food, and shelter. Without those things you would die. Other than that, and all of the other petty things we humans worry about, there is nothing really important. Yes, we assign importance to things - it'd get very old very fast without social interaction, or fun, or work. And work has to be done in order to have food and shelter. Without fun, we'd all go crazy anyway. So, since we are alive - and not sure what comes after life, we will keep on trying to do our best to fill our lives with something, that elusive anything that will give us substance and purpose, and make us more than just an animal with basic instinct.

I like to become introspective about the meaning of life at 12:3o am when I should be in bed because I have work tomorrow - to serve all the alcoholics their booze so they can forget about life for a while. I always have this sneaking feeling that we all try too hard sometimes to make life meaningful when really in the end it won't matter at all. Then again, for the time we are here, it does matter, to us, and those around us, and so we keep on going despite the facts of our existence. I suppose we wouldn't exist if we didn't matter, so we may as well try. I'm speaking in circles now that are beginning to make less and less sense. Books and bed call me.