I have things to say, and I'm not sure how to say them. I don't want to say that I've stopped caring, because that isn't true. I have not stopped caring, nor do I care less. I haven't stopped trying either. So...what the fuck is wrong? I'm different - at least different than before. I'm not sure how, but I am. I haven't stopped caring at all. The things that bothered me in the past still bother me. Some things I don't think will ever fully leave me, but I guess that's what falling in love and losing it does to you.

Everything now is matter of fact. I'm more just watching how people act, without reacting or doing anything. Life is a hell of a lot easier when I just don't bother to get involved in stupid things. So...in a way I've stopped trying. Not for myself, for sure. I'm still fighting like hell to do the right things for myself. But I guess with other people - I'm just watching them now, and feeling nothing. Feeling nothing, as they break up and get back together and get married and lose jobs and start jobs. I don't have the energy anymore. I don't have the energy for people fighting and angry or upset. Even people who are elated and happy and thrilled. Nothing ever changes, and I continually watch people live up to the worst versions of themselves. Maybe it just becomes too painful to watch after a while so I'm numbing myself to it. I don't know. At the same time, I feel happy right now, at this moment in time, with my life. What makes me unhappy is the knowledge that at some point I have to do something different, because it will not be acceptable for me to do this forever, what I'm doing now. So...I will have to put myself in more miserable situations in order to change things for myself because my current situation is no longer acceptable. And it is this that tortures me, because I feel I am running out of options, and all the while falling behind, and well...that sort of kills my good spirits.

It certainly doesn't help anything that the state of America and its government is pretty fucking awful. This is the worst I've ever seen it in my lifetime. It's just arguing and name calling and finger pointing from one side to the other, and from the people actually in power, lies on top of lies on top of lies. We have lies from the people in office and lies from the people trying to run for office. We have a nation of people who are no longer at all united. We have people who don't even remember what it is to help out their fellow man once in a while. These people are so ANGRY. I just don't get it. Being angry is accomplishing nothing, but being complacent isn't either. I think that nobody knows what the fuck to do. At this point, listening to half of the country we all may as well throw up our hands and grab our guns and pray for our lives because, well, fuck the government, right?

I understand everyone, and I understand that people are frustrated and people don't know what to do. I understand that no one has money anymore and yet they are always asking for a little more and raising the taxes a little higher, and you know what? No, it's not fair. There really isn't a whole lot of "fair" involved. The problem is that no one has a good fucking solution. No one can figure out a way to give everyone an equal and fair opportunity. It's impossible to have a social program that some people will not figure out a way to exploit. We have tried the "solution" of tax breaks for the rich and hoping it trickles down the the rest of the population - can we please just all accept that this doesn't work? I feel as though the problem right now is that there is no one person who can feasibly fix the economy and the state of our nation, so all of this debate and BS over presidential candidates and who can do what is all nonsense. I'm so fucking sick of hearing about it that I want to go live on a mountain somewhere far away from anything political and go crazy like Tom Hanks did in Castaway and start talking to a flipping volleyball. That would be vastly preferable to listening to all of these rich assholes talk about Michele Bachmann vs Ron Paul vs Obama vs whoever goddamn else. Like fuck, I just want to enjoy my life.

Unfortunately I guess, life is complicated. It really shouldn't be all that complicated - either you live or you die, but we are supposedly so much more advanced than animals so we have to complicate it. I'm tired of it all. This is a terrible entry. Oh well.