Don Julio

Here's to my second entry of the day. I felt I had better update myself with the news that finding a name for my new fish was successful at work tonight. He has been christened Don Julio, after the tequila. I am enjoying a 650 mL bottle of Imperial Gemini ale in celebration. I bought it a week or two ago to try. I only bought it because Gemini is my zodiac sign. It's 10.5 % alcohol by volume, so it's a very in your face beer, just as I expected. My slightly biased opinion is that it is rather delicious. I feel that it embodies Gemini spirit well. After I finish this bottle I believe I will be feeling pretty good. Not drunk, but buzzed and tipsy happy. It's pretty spicy, and the bottle says it is a blended unfiltered ale. My first taste was a little overwhelming, but now I am beginning to taste a melange of flavors that I am enjoying. I feel it would be wrong if this beer didn't have a slight bitter edge. It's Gemini, after all. We are multi-faceted people. I think Gemini's at their best are interested and interesting. It's hard to define us as just one thing, because we can be so many things.

I find the zodiac intriguing. I know a little about a lot of the signs, mostly basic things. To me, it's odd how accurate it is. I am a Gemini through and through. I do not fit any of the other zodiacal sign descriptions. Of course, this is not to say that all Gemini's are the same people. I think that people take the zodiac too absolutely. We tend to have certain character traits in common. Some of them are flaws we share. We can be incredibly different people with different personalities, but if you were to read our zodiacal sign description, we would find we have a lot of those traits in common. Talkers. Writers. Thinkers. We just talk, write, and think differently. Unable to sort through emotional depths, and tend to run from them. Airy and bright. At our worst, hyper-critical and insensitive to others needs. Yes. Yes, yes, and yes.

I feel as if my zest for life has returned. Depression always brings about anhedonia. I find this its most intriguing symptom: No longer finding joy in things which used to bring you joy. No longer finding pleasure in things you normally find pleasurable. Very, very interesting. If you don't experience anhedonia, you do not have clinical depression. Depression is only clinically relevant if one of the number of symptoms you experience is anhedonia. I believe it is that coupled with three or four of a long list of other symptoms to make depression a clinical issue.
Amazing. I actually did learn some things in college.
Anhedonia is awful. I remember the example my professor gave in class to illustrate: if every day her daughter runs up to her after school and says "Mommy!" and that moment every day makes her entire day happy no matter what has occurred or will occur...and suddenly losing that. Her daughter runs up to her and hugs her and says "Mommy!" and she feels nothing but the same as she did before. Only emptiness. She gets no pleasure or happiness from that simple thing. That's anhedonia. Wild. It happens and you don't even know it. You only understand when it is over, and you start to see things again. You start to feel things again. People often think of depression as simply constant unhappiness, but you can be unhappy without being depressed. Depression is more a general numbness. You lose all joy and pleasure out of life. Everything can seem dull and lifeless, even sunshine. Unhappiness accompanies depression because there's no way to not be unhappy when nothing gives you pleasure. For me, the only thing bad about overcoming depression is a general fear that it will return. It quite literally feels as if a dark curtain has lifted from over the world and you can see clearly all around you. It's how I imagine I would feel if I were blind for a long time and suddenly were able to see. Wild. It's all perception. Thanks to this beer, perception is appropriately muddled. I am one of those people who can feel alcohol when it takes effect, but I also can control myself if need be. It takes quite a bit before I get to a point I can't control myself at all. I don't think I ever really lose all control except at the point where blackout would occur. Some people are more easily swayed by alcohol's advances. I don't know whether or not this is a good or a bad thing. I just have never been one of those people who would get drunk and then make excuses for my behavior based on being drunk. It is not a good excuse, in my opinion. As long as you are aware of the effects of alcohol on your system, then you should be well aware of the fact that as you drink more of it, the more your inhibitions are lowered, and the more risks you might take. This voice is never silenced by alcohol unless you are in a blackout state, as far as I am concerned. Some people choose to ignore it. That is their choice, and therefore if they behave badly under the influence of alcohol it is still their fault. It doesn't excuse rape, so it certainly doesn't excuse cheating on someone, for example. I despise that shit. "But I was drunk..." No. Being intoxicated negates nothing. All it means is that you were running from something and you used alcohol as an excuse to behave badly. You fail. There comes a point where you are not 16 anymore. Some people never figure this out, unfortunately. They come through my line in the packy everyday. I see multitudes of them. America is not very thoughtful when it comes to their citizens general well-being. I love this country, but man are there some fucked up things about it. I do not hate America, but I also believe that at this point America can do better than it is, and I think a large part of that is education. I think there's a huge disparity in education in America. Some people are highly educated and others are just...not. It tends to cause problems. Everyone needs to be educated. I personally think that those in positions of power in our country enjoy the fact that so many Americans are uneducated. It doesn't take too much to sort out why. The simple fact of the matter is, though, that we spend a lot of time talking about equality here, and how everyone should be equal. People are NOT equal, though, and some can't be. Some are not as educated as others. What we are really shooting for, and should be, is equal opportunity, regardless of race, sex, religious affiliation, etc. With equal opportunity for everyone, natural inequalities will happen regardless. There will be people who are smart and those who are dumb. There will be people who exploit everything and people who live very honestly. The problem people have is that they are always labeling everyone, putting them into a neat little box, and ignoring the ones who fall outside that box. There are racial stereotypes and gender stereotypes which hold very true, but in order to uphold them, we ignore all the people who fall outside that stereotype, or try to come up with ways to force them to be that stereotype, even if they aren't. Everything is ironic. Everything is a contradiction. Welcome to America.

New Fish

I spent my rainy day off yesterday being bored for most of the day, and then I dragged Allen out with me to buy a new betta fish. Finn, my last one died about a month ago, so I decided it was time for a replacement fish. I like to keep a fish because I move so often and it's the only pet that is extremely cheap and easy to move. It would be hard to have a dog or a cat when you don't know where you're going to live next, and as soon as you have a pet you need to have a place where pets are allowed, which always limits your living options. Bettas are pretty easy to take care of...they basically take care of themselves. You feed them and clean their bowl every so often...I don't even do it very often, and they are fine for a couple years.

Finn was probably old...he had stopped eating for a week or two before he died. I had Leonard before him, and Indigo before Leonard. Leonard was the one Jess and I had when we lived together in an apartment a couple years ago. This new fish is as of yet nameless. I seem to be having trouble coming up with a name. I may look for inspiration in the names of alcohol at work tonight. He is a Crowntail Betta, which means he looks the same but his fins look like prongs instead of being rounded. He was two dollars more expensive. He's pretty cool looking. Allen and I were joking about naming him after sushi.

The weather has been exactly like the weatherman said. Rainy. It's not really cold, but it's not warm either. This weekend we might get some sunshine again. I'm very excited for this summer for some reason. I just have a feeling it's going to be a good one, with good weather, as the last one was rainy and depressing...and I was depressed for most of it, until the end of course. I will be looking for a job this summer, but I don't really have much hope of finding one, so I intend on enjoying my rent-free months to the fullest, without being held back by anything. I am completely free this summer to do as I please with who I please. Tom Petty is coming back at the end of the Summer, and after the summer is over...well. I won't be going back to school. It's a strange thought, actually. It scares me a little, but an uncertain future sounds much more pleasing to me than enduring the return to school, paying hundreds of dollars for books, suffering cold walks around campus and listening to people who are still in what I call the "party all the time" phase talk about their weekend plans. I really don't enjoy those aspects of school, which I suppose is why I enjoyed my online class so much. It literally was all academics, all the time. It was all learning. It was a three week course, in which I learned far more than I have in a lot of my classes. I actually like learning. I don't like going to class and everything that goes along with it. Strange thoughts. I am completely terrified, but it's a good terrified, if you can even say that.
I only have to find one job. I always need to keep that in mind. When you are looking for a job, and you apply for months and no one hires you, it becomes self-defeating, but all you need to find is ONE. One job that will get your foot in the door. After that, finding a job becomes easier because you have that lovely thing called experience which all job ads indicate they want. I hope that 2010 is my year. I'm glad I don't have anything holding me back really. I am not expecting to find a high-paying job right off the bat. I am simply looking for a position which will give me experience and give me some sort of direction. We shall see, as they say.

Spring

Life decided to be kind to me for one more day and carry the beautiful weather through Sunday. It's supposed to rain for the next three days but I spent the better part of today outside washing my car anyway.
It's officially Spring, and now the leaves just need to come back on the trees so I can enjoy the beauty that permeates my hometown.
Spring is my favorite season by far. I love Summer too, but Spring for me is just so much better. After a long winter, everything just feels hopeful, and it is the time that I remember that anything is possible and depression is a selfish waste of time. I may still take a walk, because I know the rest of the week is not going to be favorable weather-wise, but I figured I would take a short break and write for a bit because this seems to be becoming a daily thing again. I used to have another journal in which I wrote down every little detail of life. I just realized I don't need every detail, and this journal is very different from that old one. I feel like it's simpler. Sometimes simplicity is important. No one really knows that I have this journal. It's just for me. Writing, however mundane the things I may write about can be, is very therapeutic for me. It's nice to write things that don't ever have to be graded or judged and they can just be there, so if I want to look back and see how I was feeling or what I was dealing with, I can. It puts things in a valuable perspective.

Brilliant Weather

The weather is currently brilliant. It's beautiful, and it's supposed to last all the way through tomorrow which I happen to have off all day. Lovely. Monday I think it will rain again, but I cannot complain for this amazing week we've been having. Of course I have to spend my night at work, but thankfully I have awesome coworkers who are all in the same boat and will supply a sufficient amount of bitchery that we are all stuck there until 9 pm when we could be outside enjoying the beauty.

Things seem to be good right now, or at least I am in a good mood, which can make a world of difference. The realization that I am graduating in approximately two months finally hit me. It finally feels real and tangible. It's finally over. I am literally brimming with excitement at the possibilities for the future. The only thing that ever holds me back is money, really. It's unfortunate. I've been having all sorts of crazy thoughts of things I could do. I haven't really been able to think about things like this in a long time. I'm sure that I won't end up doing anything glamorous, and I will probably start with a job that I dislike immensely and doesn't pay so well, but it's still nice to think about the possibilities. I don't really have any plans. That can be a very bad thing, but on the other side of the coin it can also be a great thing, because there is nothing really holding me back, except for that evil five-letter word "money". Other than that, I'm pretty free and clear. I need to go shower and get ready for work, but I thought I would post some more uplifting entries for myself. I wish I had more time to gush about how beautiful everything is, but reality calls.

A Blip of Delusion

Seriously, I do not know what has been wrong with me the last several months. I deluded myself. I just reread my entry from yesterday. Good lord, when did I become THAT girl. The one who obsesses over some guy that doesn't like her anyway. Come on. I really need a break from relationships. I'm just glad that the delusion is over so I can get back to enjoying my life. I do wish things worked out differently but such is life and there is a reason for everything. There is nothing I can do but move forward.
Perception is everything. Altering your perception of a situation can work wonders. Thankfully, I haven't forgotten how to do that. Now that I consider it, it's probably a good thing. I promised myself after my first love failed to never get like that again, and I just came dangerously close to that. Perhaps that is the reason things worked out as they did. I won't know for sure, of course, but it makes sense. If I lose myself in someone else, I will never be happy. If I lose myself in someone else, I will always fail. I really need someone to slap me upside the head sometimes and say "Snap out of this, you're better than this". Oh well I suppose we are not all perfect. I let myself get consumed in things that don't matter at times. I have to remember who I am. I am not the girl who cries in front of guys (granted I was PMSing hugely that day), but still that's no excuse. Disgusting behavior. Never again. I really need to get a grip. I've got one now. I'll be fine. It was just a little blip of insanity. I'm glad it's over. I'm going to finish my coffee, take a nice long shower, go to work, and then go out and have fun tonight with my friends. Maybe next time I can stop blogging about my personal fails and actually talk about something interesting.

Boredom

I received some advice on how to fix my computer, so rather than attempt to contact people to go out tonight, I stayed in, napped, and worked on fixing it. Right now, it is up in the air as to whether or not the problem is fixed. I am doing a full-system virus scan currently, and my mother is making cookies which smell and taste amazing. I am absolutely entirely bored for a Saturday night, but that's being home for you. Things are working out quite differently than I envisioned, and it's ok. I'm ok with it. It will be fine in the end, I know. It's been a little hellish, I guess, but that won't last forever. Tomorrow I'm going with a few work people to a Haiti Benefit Concert that one of the girls I work with is going to be in at Eastern. I'm slightly excited about it, just because it's so rare that I ever get to go out and do anything actually interesting and different.

I adore choirs, and although I wish I was in one, we can't have everything. I'll settle for second best, of going to see someone else's. I could use a beer, but I don't suppose I'll waste one right now. I think I have one upstairs that I can drink later.

Full system scan is taking FOREVER and a day. It will be ok though. Maybe I'll check around on the internet for any jobs that may possibly be available in the near future in my field of study. No matter what, in May when I graduate, I will have to do something. I should start figuring out what it is now. I've been dragging my feet badly in that department lately. I've been distracted by personal matters. That's fine, but things that may define my future are also important. I have to remember that I can't be picky about jobs, and I just need to work, get some experience and move on. It doesn't matter if I don't feel entirely prepared for the job. I have to just go and do it. That's the only way you can learn, anyway. I feel woefully unprepared, but there's nothing to remedy that now. I never really had a plan, and I guess I never will really. This is the closest I'm going to get. Things have a way of working themselves out some way or another. I need to start doing things again, and stop being so lazy and unproductive. I want to get excited for things again. I need to do something to shake things up. My life gets repetitive and boring, and being home is not helping, but either way a job is going to have to come first so I can make money to move out. We'll see, and only time will tell. I wish I was a more patient person. Patience is something I seem to lack. Oh well.

Writing Again

Lately it seems all I can do is write, and it's all I want to do. In here, on livejournal, in a paper notebook. Anywhere and everywhere. It's mostly a way for me to let go of the stress I'm carrying around without having to continually stress other people with it. I know myself well enough to know I can't hold things in when they hurt me, so I either write or I complain to several people I know.

The thing is, at the moment, I don't even understand my situation, and so how are those people expected to understand it? Talking to people about things means they offer their opinions, which in this situation make no difference whatsoever, nor do they have any value or merit. I am of several different minds about it, and so I've been writing. Of course I love talking about things, but sometimes that's really all I'm doing, is talking. It's not necessarily a reflection of anything, it's just how I handle things. I like to talk and talk. I don't really want advice. I never ask for advice. I don't tend to follow people's advice anyway. Usually my own decision ends up being the best one in the end. I'm not a complete moron. I know that I know this situation better than anyone else, it's closest to me. I need to trust myself. Mostly, I just need to remain calm. It's difficult but doable. The moment anger or mistrust sets in, it sets the stage for conflict and confrontation. I know that conflict and confrontation are certainly necessary at times, but I prefer to keep them to a minimum. If they have to happen, I would prefer them to end up in a positive place. I can't do that if anger is clouding my good judgment. I'm pretty sure there is only one person who has ever had me really raise my voice at them outside my family, and that's hard to do. The moment yelling starts to happen toward me I tend to walk away and shut it out. You want to yell? I'm not interested in hearing what you have to say. Yelling accomplishes nothing. I learned this from my parents, who are much more effective when they speak at each other in normal voices. If I yell outside of my family, all it really means is that the argument is bad enough for me to get truly angry, and I don't particularly care if I piss you off because you deserve it. At that point, I'm not trying to make amends. You just need to know that I'm angry, and I will not forget what occurred. Like I said, this has only happened once outside my family. Family is different I suppose. Yelling occurs mostly because we're comfortable and know they will forgive us eventually. Either way, I still don't do too much yelling even within my family. I'm just not a confrontational person. I'm fine with talking things over rationally and calmly, but the second it degenerates into a screaming argument, i'm out.

Anyway, nothing much more to say. I need to take a shower, get something to eat, and head off to work. My workweek now begins on Tuesday and ends on Saturday. I have Wednesday off of course but I have a class on Wednesday nights. I cannot complain about my work schedule though. It is easy and simple. I'm tired of the job, but I do like my coworkers. It, like any job, has reached the point where it is boring and repetitive. I hope that I don't have to do it for too much longer, but as the job market is terrible, I should be happy I have a decent and pretty secure job as a part-timer right now. Here's to hoping and praying I can find a job when I graduate doing SOMEthing. Oh well, off I go.