Well, it's a New Year...rang in the New Year right this year. Tons of fun with my best friends. I couldn't ask for more. I hope this year will be a bit of a turning point for me. As of yet, though, I am making very little progress on the job front, which is totally my fault this time. I'm just not trying very hard. It's hard to care when everything else is going well, and I am having all kinds of fun. The thought of searching for a job, writing tons of bullshit about why I am so awesome, then sitting through a painfully awkward interview while some person who has no idea who I really am judges the shit out of me doesn't sound very appealing right now. I'll have to go through with it eventually...I have to do something. I have no choice. At the moment though, I am avoiding my responsibilities like the plague. All of this is completely ignoring the fact that it's difficult to even get to the painfully awkward interview stage, and at this point I am also feeling a little defeated when it comes to that.
Anyway, enough negativity. My positive energy has finally been coming through lately. My confidence has returned, I feel happy and hopeful. I hope this doesn't go away. I feel much more like myself again. I'm enjoying it. Since the past few months haven't been the easiest, this is a welcome change. I need to buy some new boots. I bought a guitar. I was hoping it would come today, but if not today, tomorrow. It's a cheap one, but I've always wanted to learn to play, and if it turns out I don't have enough patience for it, my mother told me she would help me out a bit with guitar lessons. I figure it can't be as hard as playing the violin, so it shouldn't be too bad if I can just for once commit enough time to it. Off I go I think - I'm hungry and I need a shower.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Monday, December 27, 2010
Snow Day
Well, I have a snow day today, and I am not even in school anymore. Sometimes I forget how good the management is at my work until they call me at 6:30 am from home on the day of a bad storm to tell me not to come in because I live in East Jesus Nowhere. Yes, Winter has arrived, and it is dumping copious amounts of snow on everything. I guess this is classified as a blizzard because of the 50 mph winds. That, I think, is the worst part. In inches I think we have about 9 or 10 so far and it's still snowing here in CT, but of course the wind is the worst thing and is making it drift and be much higher in places. It's also brutally cold. Sometimes when it snows it's just a little below freezing, but no, it's bitter cold right now.
Apparently the weather man said that this could be classified as the worst storm since 1993 when we had another blizzard that dumped about three feet of snow on the ground. I remember that storm. We have pictures of it in a very old photo album somewhere in my house. I'm not particularly bothered by the storm as I don't have to go anywhere, and since I generally enjoy snow, this is ok with me. I would prefer it without the crazy wind, but you can't have everything. I would like to go sledding, but I have no idea where we would even have a sled anymore. Maybe out in the shed, buried. It's probably broken. I'll have to go buy a cheap k-mart sled (those are the best kind anyway) when this storm stops. This is only the beginning of Winter. I'm sure there will be more storms. I think I'll probably sit around in my pajamas underneath my CT sheep wool blanket which is the warmest blanket ever, and watch movies on Netflix. My sister got me a six month Netflix subscription for Christmas which comes with one movie rental a day and unlimited downloads. It was a pretty sweet gift, especially since I am currently snowed in.
Christmas wasn't so bad, although I could have done without some of the relatives on Christmas Day. Weird as it is to say, I rather like having a small Christmas in my sister's condo with just my Dad, Mom, and sister. My mother gave me an absolutely beautiful new wool coat, which I love, and I got a 1 tb external hard drive, which was what I asked for. I think Christmas last year was a little more fun, as my sister was incredibly sick and there was more confusion this year, but it certainly wasn't bad. I got a nice bonus from work and money from my dad, all of which is going to pay my student loan bills - boring, but I am rather poor.
I read an article on Yahoo news about reasons to quit your job, and one reason not to quit your job is if you are happy with everything but the pay. This is true to a point. I am mostly happy with most things except for the pay at my job, but at the same time my job is entirely irrelevant to anything I might want to be doing in the future, so it feels more like a waste of time than anything. At the same time, I know I get paid well for what I do, it's just not enough to make a living off of, or live on my own. Therefore, I think money is a very valid reason to be looking for another job. In any case, I think I'm going to go watch some movies and for once stop worrying about jobs and money. I'm going to enjoy my day off.
Apparently the weather man said that this could be classified as the worst storm since 1993 when we had another blizzard that dumped about three feet of snow on the ground. I remember that storm. We have pictures of it in a very old photo album somewhere in my house. I'm not particularly bothered by the storm as I don't have to go anywhere, and since I generally enjoy snow, this is ok with me. I would prefer it without the crazy wind, but you can't have everything. I would like to go sledding, but I have no idea where we would even have a sled anymore. Maybe out in the shed, buried. It's probably broken. I'll have to go buy a cheap k-mart sled (those are the best kind anyway) when this storm stops. This is only the beginning of Winter. I'm sure there will be more storms. I think I'll probably sit around in my pajamas underneath my CT sheep wool blanket which is the warmest blanket ever, and watch movies on Netflix. My sister got me a six month Netflix subscription for Christmas which comes with one movie rental a day and unlimited downloads. It was a pretty sweet gift, especially since I am currently snowed in.
Christmas wasn't so bad, although I could have done without some of the relatives on Christmas Day. Weird as it is to say, I rather like having a small Christmas in my sister's condo with just my Dad, Mom, and sister. My mother gave me an absolutely beautiful new wool coat, which I love, and I got a 1 tb external hard drive, which was what I asked for. I think Christmas last year was a little more fun, as my sister was incredibly sick and there was more confusion this year, but it certainly wasn't bad. I got a nice bonus from work and money from my dad, all of which is going to pay my student loan bills - boring, but I am rather poor.
I read an article on Yahoo news about reasons to quit your job, and one reason not to quit your job is if you are happy with everything but the pay. This is true to a point. I am mostly happy with most things except for the pay at my job, but at the same time my job is entirely irrelevant to anything I might want to be doing in the future, so it feels more like a waste of time than anything. At the same time, I know I get paid well for what I do, it's just not enough to make a living off of, or live on my own. Therefore, I think money is a very valid reason to be looking for another job. In any case, I think I'm going to go watch some movies and for once stop worrying about jobs and money. I'm going to enjoy my day off.
Monday, November 29, 2010
The Internet
Well, I'm feeling a need to write. Even if I can't say exactly what's on my mind here right now (Big Secrets). I can still write anyway. Life hasn't really begun to look up and people haven't become any less idiotic in the last several days. In fact, it's gotten worse. Who knows what makes people behave in the way they do sometimes. I studied Psychology in the hopes it would help me to figure it out, but I'm no closer now than I was five years ago. Sure, some things are easy to pinpoint and figure out, but others, it's like trying to grab and hold onto a fistful of water. Also, no matter what, someone is always going to assign behavior an idiotic reason when that has nothing whatsoever to do with the current behavior - i.e. this person has a narcissistic personality disorder, or it's because Daddy didn't love him, etc. etc. I see this countless times and ways all over the internet every day. Even the comments made about television shows and their characters. Some of the observations people make are so ludicrous and inaccurate. "*REVELATION* I can't believe that character acted that way, he/she must have borderline personality disorder!!!!11!! *REVELATION*
People really need to learn to shut the fuck up when they don't know what they're talking about. You can't just assign personality disorders off at random for personality flaws. Sure, it's easy to do. In fact, if I looked at every single person I've ever met on a level that's a little deeper than very casual acquaintance, I could diagnose each and every one of them with a personality disorder. It's extremely easy to misdiagnose personality disorders, but really it's something that shouldn't be thrown around so easily. Placing the label of personality disorder upon a person can have damning effects, mostly because they seem to be the least curable of all mental ailments - you try curing a sociopath. I was thinking of this only because I recently finished the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson (some of the best books I've read in a long time) and Lisbeth, the main character, has been misdiagnosed by misguided therapists her whole life. The effects of it, of course, are innumerable. It is very hard to change someone's mind once they've decided you are crazy.
Speaking of the internet, another thing that people do when commenting or analyzing a show, for example, is cry racism. "That family is so WHITE, of course they act like that" or "All of the black people on this show are the same, the writers must be racist!" Holy christ, people, give it a rest. It's a television show. Its purpose is to entertain. I read all of these comments with amazement. People get so angry, over absolutely nothing, on the internet. They create arguments for themselves over problems that never existed in the first place. It is rather fascinating. The internet is a funny place. You can say anything you want, with no limits and no guidelines. There's no one to check up on you, no teacher to mark your paper up with red pen if you give misinformation. The consequence of that is a plethora of misinformation that people have accumulated that they freely spew because they know there will be no backlash. Anonymity creates an interesting populous of people who I could guarantee would never be quite so opinionated were you to have a conversation with them in real life. I love the internet but hate it at the same time.
I suppose I should wrap this up now. I wasn't sure what this post was going to be about when I started writing but I am glad to see that it ended up with a definitive point. I never know where I'm beginning in writing but I seem to always end up somewhere in the end.
People really need to learn to shut the fuck up when they don't know what they're talking about. You can't just assign personality disorders off at random for personality flaws. Sure, it's easy to do. In fact, if I looked at every single person I've ever met on a level that's a little deeper than very casual acquaintance, I could diagnose each and every one of them with a personality disorder. It's extremely easy to misdiagnose personality disorders, but really it's something that shouldn't be thrown around so easily. Placing the label of personality disorder upon a person can have damning effects, mostly because they seem to be the least curable of all mental ailments - you try curing a sociopath. I was thinking of this only because I recently finished the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson (some of the best books I've read in a long time) and Lisbeth, the main character, has been misdiagnosed by misguided therapists her whole life. The effects of it, of course, are innumerable. It is very hard to change someone's mind once they've decided you are crazy.
Speaking of the internet, another thing that people do when commenting or analyzing a show, for example, is cry racism. "That family is so WHITE, of course they act like that" or "All of the black people on this show are the same, the writers must be racist!" Holy christ, people, give it a rest. It's a television show. Its purpose is to entertain. I read all of these comments with amazement. People get so angry, over absolutely nothing, on the internet. They create arguments for themselves over problems that never existed in the first place. It is rather fascinating. The internet is a funny place. You can say anything you want, with no limits and no guidelines. There's no one to check up on you, no teacher to mark your paper up with red pen if you give misinformation. The consequence of that is a plethora of misinformation that people have accumulated that they freely spew because they know there will be no backlash. Anonymity creates an interesting populous of people who I could guarantee would never be quite so opinionated were you to have a conversation with them in real life. I love the internet but hate it at the same time.
I suppose I should wrap this up now. I wasn't sure what this post was going to be about when I started writing but I am glad to see that it ended up with a definitive point. I never know where I'm beginning in writing but I seem to always end up somewhere in the end.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Happy Holidays?
So it's almost the holidays - Thanksgiving on Thursday and then of course Christmas next month. The package store is beginning to own my soul. It pretty much does that all season long. I am not excited at all for the holidays. The older I get, the less fun they seem to be, along with everything else. I'm a little depressed. Somehow, and I don't know if it's just because I am feeling a little down, it seems that everyone around me is having a hard time of it too. I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine or cold, or what, but everything seems to be harder lately.
Earlier on in life, I always had a set plan I was on, I guess, and I never really thought about it much. I always just figured that I would figure out what came next when the time came. It's here now, and I don't know what I'm doing. I just happened to finish college when there are no jobs. Apparently I'm not alone in not being able to find one. I feel that I probably would be able to find one if I cared a little more about what I was going to be doing. I care, but I don't at the same time, and it's a dangerous place to be. Many things in my life haven't worked out as planned, for sure, and I never expected anything to be easy, but that won't stop me from wishing it was. I'm lazy as hell. No one is forcing me to do anything. I am applying for jobs because I can't particularly think of anything better to do. I have to do something. I can't keep exploiting my parents forever. I have a feeling if I were forced to do something, I would do it. It would help to have someone who would tell me I was being a weak idiot. No one will. Everyone is all, "Oh, it's not really your fault, the economy sucks, blah blah, it's fine, you'll find something eventually." My favorite is "Why don't you just go back to school then, if you can't find a job." Yeah, a solid plan, except that I am ALREADY in debt and can barely afford to pay those loans, much less attempting to get into a grad school with less than stellar grades, and taking out even MORE loans, so that when I graduate with a Masters or something I can be in even more debt that I am in now, and most likely still jobless. Basically, I would be me, now, with an advanced degree, and lots of debt. It's like a fucking merry-go-round and it's so fucking annoying.
Speaking of annoying - people in general. It might be me, but people have become even more idiotic recently. I feel rather alienated. I talk to very few people. Being the shy person that I am, it is always hard for me to open up to people, so when communication halts between me and another person it's incredibly hard for me to begin communication again. I know that is a poor excuse, but I have always been shy. It's like an ingrained part of me that will never go away. In spite of being shy, I am incredibly social and love to talk. I know, I make no sense, but I am who I am. Therefore, having no one talking to me is making me depressed which in turn makes me even less likely to go out and seek social interaction. Another fucking merry-go-round. I suppose I am just stuck in a rut, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to go about getting out of it. I like to come up with elaborately detailed plans in my head which I will never follow through on. Most of them require lots more money and a lot more ambition than I seem to have in real life. Reality is almost always more dreary than what I can come up with in my own head, but I suppose that would be the case with most people.
Long and short of this entry is I'm very lonely. I feel sad a lot of the time, defeated, with zero energy. I know it's not helping, but I can't seem to shake it this time. My dog makes me smile more than anything in the world. I love her to death. She is better than any person. She is always there, cuddly and sweet and crazy, and completely huggable. She is a beacon of bright light in my otherwise dreary existence. I do not care how cliche that sentence was, it is entirely the truth. Our lives are plagued by cliches. I of course am still ever hopeful as always that things will turn around. As always, I must remind myself that there are people and things in the world much worse than my life. There are a great many things about my life that I have enjoyed and still enjoy. I try my hardest to focus on the good instead of the bad, to keep a positive attitude even though I know I default to a negative one. Here's to hoping for some Christmas magic to rejuvenate me. There's definitely something wrong when my favorite holiday fails to excite me at all. We shall see.
Earlier on in life, I always had a set plan I was on, I guess, and I never really thought about it much. I always just figured that I would figure out what came next when the time came. It's here now, and I don't know what I'm doing. I just happened to finish college when there are no jobs. Apparently I'm not alone in not being able to find one. I feel that I probably would be able to find one if I cared a little more about what I was going to be doing. I care, but I don't at the same time, and it's a dangerous place to be. Many things in my life haven't worked out as planned, for sure, and I never expected anything to be easy, but that won't stop me from wishing it was. I'm lazy as hell. No one is forcing me to do anything. I am applying for jobs because I can't particularly think of anything better to do. I have to do something. I can't keep exploiting my parents forever. I have a feeling if I were forced to do something, I would do it. It would help to have someone who would tell me I was being a weak idiot. No one will. Everyone is all, "Oh, it's not really your fault, the economy sucks, blah blah, it's fine, you'll find something eventually." My favorite is "Why don't you just go back to school then, if you can't find a job." Yeah, a solid plan, except that I am ALREADY in debt and can barely afford to pay those loans, much less attempting to get into a grad school with less than stellar grades, and taking out even MORE loans, so that when I graduate with a Masters or something I can be in even more debt that I am in now, and most likely still jobless. Basically, I would be me, now, with an advanced degree, and lots of debt. It's like a fucking merry-go-round and it's so fucking annoying.
Speaking of annoying - people in general. It might be me, but people have become even more idiotic recently. I feel rather alienated. I talk to very few people. Being the shy person that I am, it is always hard for me to open up to people, so when communication halts between me and another person it's incredibly hard for me to begin communication again. I know that is a poor excuse, but I have always been shy. It's like an ingrained part of me that will never go away. In spite of being shy, I am incredibly social and love to talk. I know, I make no sense, but I am who I am. Therefore, having no one talking to me is making me depressed which in turn makes me even less likely to go out and seek social interaction. Another fucking merry-go-round. I suppose I am just stuck in a rut, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to go about getting out of it. I like to come up with elaborately detailed plans in my head which I will never follow through on. Most of them require lots more money and a lot more ambition than I seem to have in real life. Reality is almost always more dreary than what I can come up with in my own head, but I suppose that would be the case with most people.
Long and short of this entry is I'm very lonely. I feel sad a lot of the time, defeated, with zero energy. I know it's not helping, but I can't seem to shake it this time. My dog makes me smile more than anything in the world. I love her to death. She is better than any person. She is always there, cuddly and sweet and crazy, and completely huggable. She is a beacon of bright light in my otherwise dreary existence. I do not care how cliche that sentence was, it is entirely the truth. Our lives are plagued by cliches. I of course am still ever hopeful as always that things will turn around. As always, I must remind myself that there are people and things in the world much worse than my life. There are a great many things about my life that I have enjoyed and still enjoy. I try my hardest to focus on the good instead of the bad, to keep a positive attitude even though I know I default to a negative one. Here's to hoping for some Christmas magic to rejuvenate me. There's definitely something wrong when my favorite holiday fails to excite me at all. We shall see.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Ellipses...
I'm bored. I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored. So damn bored, it's ridiculous. I don't understand how some people can just sit around all the time and not go crazy. When I get bored, I read, and when I get tired of that, I read something else, and when I get tired of that, I drink. Healthy, eh? I don't know what is wrong with me. It's hard for me to even concentrate on a chapter in a book without becoming restless, which is not like me. In the past, when this happened to me, I'd throw myself into some situation which would invariably cause me trouble for some reason. Then when things settled back into boring, I could tell myself it was simply relaxing and blah blah, until I got bored again. I guess I need to go back to school, since finding a job has proved to be a lost cause. I've almost given up. I guess I don't care enough. I don't know. Maybe I don't.
I miss learning things. I like learning. I don't like tests and all that jargon, but I do enjoy learning. I just can't focus on one thing long enough to learn a LOT about one thing. I can't focus at all, in fact. My brain feels like it's constantly on and moving, a million times faster than I can sort anything out. I guess it's compensation for the fact that my outer life has become rather stand-still and boring. I suppose I've shut some people out, but it wasn't intentional. I just get tired sometimes, of all the idiocy, of which there is a lot. Plus, not having money makes it easier to shut myself away. I don't really want to do that. I don't need to become the insanely shy girl I was when I was younger. In some ways I'll always be that girl, but I think for the most part I've learned to deal with it.
In an effort to not make my first blog entry after a long hiatus of blog posting negative, I can talk about the one positive thing in my life right now, my rescue puppy Sydney. I absolutely adore her, and she provides every day with a fairly large dose of joy. She is smaller than I expected, but she doesn't act at all like a small dog, and she is not lacking in personality. It took her awhile to get adjusted to living here, but now she knows it is her home, and she loves it, and running in the woods, jumping on rocks, and running running running. She's lightning fast. She's happy, and she's my girl.
Something interesting please happen? I am too poor to do anything but something that will definitely cause me bodily harm. I'd like to keep my eyes and fingers.
I miss learning things. I like learning. I don't like tests and all that jargon, but I do enjoy learning. I just can't focus on one thing long enough to learn a LOT about one thing. I can't focus at all, in fact. My brain feels like it's constantly on and moving, a million times faster than I can sort anything out. I guess it's compensation for the fact that my outer life has become rather stand-still and boring. I suppose I've shut some people out, but it wasn't intentional. I just get tired sometimes, of all the idiocy, of which there is a lot. Plus, not having money makes it easier to shut myself away. I don't really want to do that. I don't need to become the insanely shy girl I was when I was younger. In some ways I'll always be that girl, but I think for the most part I've learned to deal with it.
In an effort to not make my first blog entry after a long hiatus of blog posting negative, I can talk about the one positive thing in my life right now, my rescue puppy Sydney. I absolutely adore her, and she provides every day with a fairly large dose of joy. She is smaller than I expected, but she doesn't act at all like a small dog, and she is not lacking in personality. It took her awhile to get adjusted to living here, but now she knows it is her home, and she loves it, and running in the woods, jumping on rocks, and running running running. She's lightning fast. She's happy, and she's my girl.
Something interesting please happen? I am too poor to do anything but something that will definitely cause me bodily harm. I'd like to keep my eyes and fingers.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thinking
It's really hot out. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Not that that is anything new, but I notice as I get older there are things I take pleasure in that I wouldn't have as a child, and things that I took great pleasure in as a child that I care for very little now. I mean that's a pretty obvious thing to happen as you grow up I guess. My biggest thought is just that it's a little disconcerting when you think about it and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself might be wrong. I have to remind myself that there are things about me which are constant and will never change - the things I am most happy about myself as a person in general, and will always be a part of me and who I am.
As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.
As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
June
I am bored. Second day off in a row, and job prospects are looking worse than ever. I got a call from some kind of hiring manager who told me she would "forward my resume." I wouldn't mind working for this company, but just because this woman forwarded my resume does not mean anything. She just forwarded it. We'll see. I hopefully have some kind of an interview on Friday...it should be interesting since it's something I never thought I would want to do...Supervised visitations. Who knows. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do something you hate. I hate doing that...but hey. Worse things have happened. I really need to make some money, and I really need to stop sitting around my house doing nothing. It's getting me nowhere rather fast. I'm wasting time. I despise boredom, yet it's following me like a plague anyway. If I do not get a job by the end of the summer I am going to apply for AmeriCorps in a different state and move away for a year if I make it in. I need to shake things up a little. I don't really think the Peace Corps is a good idea only because it is for SO long. Two years is a long time. We'll see. I do like Connecticut, but if there's ever a good time to do service work, it's right now, while I'm young.
I'm tired of talking about jobs. The weather can't make up its mind lately but it's been more cloudy and rainy than anything else. It makes me tired. I don't know what to write about. I've been reading House of Leaves and it is amazing, but complicated. There's something gripping and terrifying and satisfying about it. I can't wait to finish it so I can read it again. That sounds strange, but it's just the type of book that you can read again and read it in an entirely different way. I might go read it for a while now actually. I have trouble reading it during the day for some reason, but I think since it's so dark and depressing outside it might be ok.
I'm tired of talking about jobs. The weather can't make up its mind lately but it's been more cloudy and rainy than anything else. It makes me tired. I don't know what to write about. I've been reading House of Leaves and it is amazing, but complicated. There's something gripping and terrifying and satisfying about it. I can't wait to finish it so I can read it again. That sounds strange, but it's just the type of book that you can read again and read it in an entirely different way. I might go read it for a while now actually. I have trouble reading it during the day for some reason, but I think since it's so dark and depressing outside it might be ok.
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