Thinking

It's really hot out. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Not that that is anything new, but I notice as I get older there are things I take pleasure in that I wouldn't have as a child, and things that I took great pleasure in as a child that I care for very little now. I mean that's a pretty obvious thing to happen as you grow up I guess. My biggest thought is just that it's a little disconcerting when you think about it and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself might be wrong. I have to remind myself that there are things about me which are constant and will never change - the things I am most happy about myself as a person in general, and will always be a part of me and who I am.

As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.