Well, I'm feeling a need to write. Even if I can't say exactly what's on my mind here right now (Big Secrets). I can still write anyway. Life hasn't really begun to look up and people haven't become any less idiotic in the last several days. In fact, it's gotten worse. Who knows what makes people behave in the way they do sometimes. I studied Psychology in the hopes it would help me to figure it out, but I'm no closer now than I was five years ago. Sure, some things are easy to pinpoint and figure out, but others, it's like trying to grab and hold onto a fistful of water. Also, no matter what, someone is always going to assign behavior an idiotic reason when that has nothing whatsoever to do with the current behavior - i.e. this person has a narcissistic personality disorder, or it's because Daddy didn't love him, etc. etc. I see this countless times and ways all over the internet every day. Even the comments made about television shows and their characters. Some of the observations people make are so ludicrous and inaccurate. "*REVELATION* I can't believe that character acted that way, he/she must have borderline personality disorder!!!!11!! *REVELATION*
People really need to learn to shut the fuck up when they don't know what they're talking about. You can't just assign personality disorders off at random for personality flaws. Sure, it's easy to do. In fact, if I looked at every single person I've ever met on a level that's a little deeper than very casual acquaintance, I could diagnose each and every one of them with a personality disorder. It's extremely easy to misdiagnose personality disorders, but really it's something that shouldn't be thrown around so easily. Placing the label of personality disorder upon a person can have damning effects, mostly because they seem to be the least curable of all mental ailments - you try curing a sociopath. I was thinking of this only because I recently finished the Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson (some of the best books I've read in a long time) and Lisbeth, the main character, has been misdiagnosed by misguided therapists her whole life. The effects of it, of course, are innumerable. It is very hard to change someone's mind once they've decided you are crazy.
Speaking of the internet, another thing that people do when commenting or analyzing a show, for example, is cry racism. "That family is so WHITE, of course they act like that" or "All of the black people on this show are the same, the writers must be racist!" Holy christ, people, give it a rest. It's a television show. Its purpose is to entertain. I read all of these comments with amazement. People get so angry, over absolutely nothing, on the internet. They create arguments for themselves over problems that never existed in the first place. It is rather fascinating. The internet is a funny place. You can say anything you want, with no limits and no guidelines. There's no one to check up on you, no teacher to mark your paper up with red pen if you give misinformation. The consequence of that is a plethora of misinformation that people have accumulated that they freely spew because they know there will be no backlash. Anonymity creates an interesting populous of people who I could guarantee would never be quite so opinionated were you to have a conversation with them in real life. I love the internet but hate it at the same time.
I suppose I should wrap this up now. I wasn't sure what this post was going to be about when I started writing but I am glad to see that it ended up with a definitive point. I never know where I'm beginning in writing but I seem to always end up somewhere in the end.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Happy Holidays?
So it's almost the holidays - Thanksgiving on Thursday and then of course Christmas next month. The package store is beginning to own my soul. It pretty much does that all season long. I am not excited at all for the holidays. The older I get, the less fun they seem to be, along with everything else. I'm a little depressed. Somehow, and I don't know if it's just because I am feeling a little down, it seems that everyone around me is having a hard time of it too. I don't know if it's the lack of sunshine or cold, or what, but everything seems to be harder lately.
Earlier on in life, I always had a set plan I was on, I guess, and I never really thought about it much. I always just figured that I would figure out what came next when the time came. It's here now, and I don't know what I'm doing. I just happened to finish college when there are no jobs. Apparently I'm not alone in not being able to find one. I feel that I probably would be able to find one if I cared a little more about what I was going to be doing. I care, but I don't at the same time, and it's a dangerous place to be. Many things in my life haven't worked out as planned, for sure, and I never expected anything to be easy, but that won't stop me from wishing it was. I'm lazy as hell. No one is forcing me to do anything. I am applying for jobs because I can't particularly think of anything better to do. I have to do something. I can't keep exploiting my parents forever. I have a feeling if I were forced to do something, I would do it. It would help to have someone who would tell me I was being a weak idiot. No one will. Everyone is all, "Oh, it's not really your fault, the economy sucks, blah blah, it's fine, you'll find something eventually." My favorite is "Why don't you just go back to school then, if you can't find a job." Yeah, a solid plan, except that I am ALREADY in debt and can barely afford to pay those loans, much less attempting to get into a grad school with less than stellar grades, and taking out even MORE loans, so that when I graduate with a Masters or something I can be in even more debt that I am in now, and most likely still jobless. Basically, I would be me, now, with an advanced degree, and lots of debt. It's like a fucking merry-go-round and it's so fucking annoying.
Speaking of annoying - people in general. It might be me, but people have become even more idiotic recently. I feel rather alienated. I talk to very few people. Being the shy person that I am, it is always hard for me to open up to people, so when communication halts between me and another person it's incredibly hard for me to begin communication again. I know that is a poor excuse, but I have always been shy. It's like an ingrained part of me that will never go away. In spite of being shy, I am incredibly social and love to talk. I know, I make no sense, but I am who I am. Therefore, having no one talking to me is making me depressed which in turn makes me even less likely to go out and seek social interaction. Another fucking merry-go-round. I suppose I am just stuck in a rut, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to go about getting out of it. I like to come up with elaborately detailed plans in my head which I will never follow through on. Most of them require lots more money and a lot more ambition than I seem to have in real life. Reality is almost always more dreary than what I can come up with in my own head, but I suppose that would be the case with most people.
Long and short of this entry is I'm very lonely. I feel sad a lot of the time, defeated, with zero energy. I know it's not helping, but I can't seem to shake it this time. My dog makes me smile more than anything in the world. I love her to death. She is better than any person. She is always there, cuddly and sweet and crazy, and completely huggable. She is a beacon of bright light in my otherwise dreary existence. I do not care how cliche that sentence was, it is entirely the truth. Our lives are plagued by cliches. I of course am still ever hopeful as always that things will turn around. As always, I must remind myself that there are people and things in the world much worse than my life. There are a great many things about my life that I have enjoyed and still enjoy. I try my hardest to focus on the good instead of the bad, to keep a positive attitude even though I know I default to a negative one. Here's to hoping for some Christmas magic to rejuvenate me. There's definitely something wrong when my favorite holiday fails to excite me at all. We shall see.
Earlier on in life, I always had a set plan I was on, I guess, and I never really thought about it much. I always just figured that I would figure out what came next when the time came. It's here now, and I don't know what I'm doing. I just happened to finish college when there are no jobs. Apparently I'm not alone in not being able to find one. I feel that I probably would be able to find one if I cared a little more about what I was going to be doing. I care, but I don't at the same time, and it's a dangerous place to be. Many things in my life haven't worked out as planned, for sure, and I never expected anything to be easy, but that won't stop me from wishing it was. I'm lazy as hell. No one is forcing me to do anything. I am applying for jobs because I can't particularly think of anything better to do. I have to do something. I can't keep exploiting my parents forever. I have a feeling if I were forced to do something, I would do it. It would help to have someone who would tell me I was being a weak idiot. No one will. Everyone is all, "Oh, it's not really your fault, the economy sucks, blah blah, it's fine, you'll find something eventually." My favorite is "Why don't you just go back to school then, if you can't find a job." Yeah, a solid plan, except that I am ALREADY in debt and can barely afford to pay those loans, much less attempting to get into a grad school with less than stellar grades, and taking out even MORE loans, so that when I graduate with a Masters or something I can be in even more debt that I am in now, and most likely still jobless. Basically, I would be me, now, with an advanced degree, and lots of debt. It's like a fucking merry-go-round and it's so fucking annoying.
Speaking of annoying - people in general. It might be me, but people have become even more idiotic recently. I feel rather alienated. I talk to very few people. Being the shy person that I am, it is always hard for me to open up to people, so when communication halts between me and another person it's incredibly hard for me to begin communication again. I know that is a poor excuse, but I have always been shy. It's like an ingrained part of me that will never go away. In spite of being shy, I am incredibly social and love to talk. I know, I make no sense, but I am who I am. Therefore, having no one talking to me is making me depressed which in turn makes me even less likely to go out and seek social interaction. Another fucking merry-go-round. I suppose I am just stuck in a rut, and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to go about getting out of it. I like to come up with elaborately detailed plans in my head which I will never follow through on. Most of them require lots more money and a lot more ambition than I seem to have in real life. Reality is almost always more dreary than what I can come up with in my own head, but I suppose that would be the case with most people.
Long and short of this entry is I'm very lonely. I feel sad a lot of the time, defeated, with zero energy. I know it's not helping, but I can't seem to shake it this time. My dog makes me smile more than anything in the world. I love her to death. She is better than any person. She is always there, cuddly and sweet and crazy, and completely huggable. She is a beacon of bright light in my otherwise dreary existence. I do not care how cliche that sentence was, it is entirely the truth. Our lives are plagued by cliches. I of course am still ever hopeful as always that things will turn around. As always, I must remind myself that there are people and things in the world much worse than my life. There are a great many things about my life that I have enjoyed and still enjoy. I try my hardest to focus on the good instead of the bad, to keep a positive attitude even though I know I default to a negative one. Here's to hoping for some Christmas magic to rejuvenate me. There's definitely something wrong when my favorite holiday fails to excite me at all. We shall see.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Ellipses...
I'm bored. I'm bored I'm bored I'm bored. So damn bored, it's ridiculous. I don't understand how some people can just sit around all the time and not go crazy. When I get bored, I read, and when I get tired of that, I read something else, and when I get tired of that, I drink. Healthy, eh? I don't know what is wrong with me. It's hard for me to even concentrate on a chapter in a book without becoming restless, which is not like me. In the past, when this happened to me, I'd throw myself into some situation which would invariably cause me trouble for some reason. Then when things settled back into boring, I could tell myself it was simply relaxing and blah blah, until I got bored again. I guess I need to go back to school, since finding a job has proved to be a lost cause. I've almost given up. I guess I don't care enough. I don't know. Maybe I don't.
I miss learning things. I like learning. I don't like tests and all that jargon, but I do enjoy learning. I just can't focus on one thing long enough to learn a LOT about one thing. I can't focus at all, in fact. My brain feels like it's constantly on and moving, a million times faster than I can sort anything out. I guess it's compensation for the fact that my outer life has become rather stand-still and boring. I suppose I've shut some people out, but it wasn't intentional. I just get tired sometimes, of all the idiocy, of which there is a lot. Plus, not having money makes it easier to shut myself away. I don't really want to do that. I don't need to become the insanely shy girl I was when I was younger. In some ways I'll always be that girl, but I think for the most part I've learned to deal with it.
In an effort to not make my first blog entry after a long hiatus of blog posting negative, I can talk about the one positive thing in my life right now, my rescue puppy Sydney. I absolutely adore her, and she provides every day with a fairly large dose of joy. She is smaller than I expected, but she doesn't act at all like a small dog, and she is not lacking in personality. It took her awhile to get adjusted to living here, but now she knows it is her home, and she loves it, and running in the woods, jumping on rocks, and running running running. She's lightning fast. She's happy, and she's my girl.
Something interesting please happen? I am too poor to do anything but something that will definitely cause me bodily harm. I'd like to keep my eyes and fingers.
I miss learning things. I like learning. I don't like tests and all that jargon, but I do enjoy learning. I just can't focus on one thing long enough to learn a LOT about one thing. I can't focus at all, in fact. My brain feels like it's constantly on and moving, a million times faster than I can sort anything out. I guess it's compensation for the fact that my outer life has become rather stand-still and boring. I suppose I've shut some people out, but it wasn't intentional. I just get tired sometimes, of all the idiocy, of which there is a lot. Plus, not having money makes it easier to shut myself away. I don't really want to do that. I don't need to become the insanely shy girl I was when I was younger. In some ways I'll always be that girl, but I think for the most part I've learned to deal with it.
In an effort to not make my first blog entry after a long hiatus of blog posting negative, I can talk about the one positive thing in my life right now, my rescue puppy Sydney. I absolutely adore her, and she provides every day with a fairly large dose of joy. She is smaller than I expected, but she doesn't act at all like a small dog, and she is not lacking in personality. It took her awhile to get adjusted to living here, but now she knows it is her home, and she loves it, and running in the woods, jumping on rocks, and running running running. She's lightning fast. She's happy, and she's my girl.
Something interesting please happen? I am too poor to do anything but something that will definitely cause me bodily harm. I'd like to keep my eyes and fingers.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thinking
It's really hot out. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Not that that is anything new, but I notice as I get older there are things I take pleasure in that I wouldn't have as a child, and things that I took great pleasure in as a child that I care for very little now. I mean that's a pretty obvious thing to happen as you grow up I guess. My biggest thought is just that it's a little disconcerting when you think about it and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself might be wrong. I have to remind myself that there are things about me which are constant and will never change - the things I am most happy about myself as a person in general, and will always be a part of me and who I am.
As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.
As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
June
I am bored. Second day off in a row, and job prospects are looking worse than ever. I got a call from some kind of hiring manager who told me she would "forward my resume." I wouldn't mind working for this company, but just because this woman forwarded my resume does not mean anything. She just forwarded it. We'll see. I hopefully have some kind of an interview on Friday...it should be interesting since it's something I never thought I would want to do...Supervised visitations. Who knows. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do something you hate. I hate doing that...but hey. Worse things have happened. I really need to make some money, and I really need to stop sitting around my house doing nothing. It's getting me nowhere rather fast. I'm wasting time. I despise boredom, yet it's following me like a plague anyway. If I do not get a job by the end of the summer I am going to apply for AmeriCorps in a different state and move away for a year if I make it in. I need to shake things up a little. I don't really think the Peace Corps is a good idea only because it is for SO long. Two years is a long time. We'll see. I do like Connecticut, but if there's ever a good time to do service work, it's right now, while I'm young.
I'm tired of talking about jobs. The weather can't make up its mind lately but it's been more cloudy and rainy than anything else. It makes me tired. I don't know what to write about. I've been reading House of Leaves and it is amazing, but complicated. There's something gripping and terrifying and satisfying about it. I can't wait to finish it so I can read it again. That sounds strange, but it's just the type of book that you can read again and read it in an entirely different way. I might go read it for a while now actually. I have trouble reading it during the day for some reason, but I think since it's so dark and depressing outside it might be ok.
I'm tired of talking about jobs. The weather can't make up its mind lately but it's been more cloudy and rainy than anything else. It makes me tired. I don't know what to write about. I've been reading House of Leaves and it is amazing, but complicated. There's something gripping and terrifying and satisfying about it. I can't wait to finish it so I can read it again. That sounds strange, but it's just the type of book that you can read again and read it in an entirely different way. I might go read it for a while now actually. I have trouble reading it during the day for some reason, but I think since it's so dark and depressing outside it might be ok.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
23
I suppose it's time to update the blogosphere. I have survived until 23, which I personally feel is a massive accomplishment. I graduated. It was anticlimactic, and finding a job quite literally sucks. I hate looking and applying. I finally got a call back this morning. I have not called back yet. I will. The guy said nothing about an interview, just "I was reviewing your resume and have some questions, please get back to me." It's better than nothing, right? I suppose. I am applying for jobs which I have little interest in for the most part. I just have to do something, or I will never be able to get those sweet jobs which pay good salaries and require two years of experience in whatever. The job market is literally pathetic at the moment anyway, so any job doing anything where they are willing to train me is fair game. I hope that whatever I find, if and when I do, isn't too far away.
UConn called asking me for money. Thanks a heap, Uconn. Way to make me feel even more shitty about being a sucky college student and having no job. I need a job pretty soon. I have student loans I need to pay back. The job that called me today is part time, so if I could keep working the packy part time and do that in order to get experience, it would be good, but they only have "questions" so we shall see. I applied for a job in Boston. It's in Arlington. I thought it was them that called until I realized that the number was an 860 number. I felt like a moron, but I have to say I am relieved. I do not want to move away unless the job is so completely bangin' that I can't say no. This job wasn't.
Other than finding a job, life is pretty damn good. The weather, minus the last couple days has been beautiful, summery, and amazing. I have had a mass amount of time to hang out with my friends and drink too much beer. Jess, Allen, and I made homemade martinis for my birthday at Allen's. Allen gave me flowers, and Jess brought a cake. It was a lot of fun, and far better than my birthday last year. I have been enjoying my summer and enjoying the weather. I have great friends. Michelle is home so we are going to spend time together today, and I will get to play with her puppy. I would like for my parents to get a new puppy, and they want one too, but my dad says he "doesn't have time." I laughed and said, yeah, but I do. I have all the freakin' time in the world at the moment. Who knows. I need to go and take a shower so I can call this guy back and see what his "questions" are. It should be interesting. Peace all.
UConn called asking me for money. Thanks a heap, Uconn. Way to make me feel even more shitty about being a sucky college student and having no job. I need a job pretty soon. I have student loans I need to pay back. The job that called me today is part time, so if I could keep working the packy part time and do that in order to get experience, it would be good, but they only have "questions" so we shall see. I applied for a job in Boston. It's in Arlington. I thought it was them that called until I realized that the number was an 860 number. I felt like a moron, but I have to say I am relieved. I do not want to move away unless the job is so completely bangin' that I can't say no. This job wasn't.
Other than finding a job, life is pretty damn good. The weather, minus the last couple days has been beautiful, summery, and amazing. I have had a mass amount of time to hang out with my friends and drink too much beer. Jess, Allen, and I made homemade martinis for my birthday at Allen's. Allen gave me flowers, and Jess brought a cake. It was a lot of fun, and far better than my birthday last year. I have been enjoying my summer and enjoying the weather. I have great friends. Michelle is home so we are going to spend time together today, and I will get to play with her puppy. I would like for my parents to get a new puppy, and they want one too, but my dad says he "doesn't have time." I laughed and said, yeah, but I do. I have all the freakin' time in the world at the moment. Who knows. I need to go and take a shower so I can call this guy back and see what his "questions" are. It should be interesting. Peace all.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Boredom/Life
It's time to admit it. I like my life a lot. In fact, I love it. There's nothing to complain about. I know great people. I have an amazing family and amazing friends who like to have a good time, But...I am bored. I am bored as fuck. I'm admitting it. I'm bored. Not even really lonely...in fact I enjoy alone time. It's just that...really? Is this what I'm supposed to look forward to when I graduate college? I can't WAIT to graduate. Approximately three weeks. All I can think is...what am I doing? Why am I here? And why am I SO DAMN BORED? I have...uber time. Time coming out my ass, basically. I work three days a week, and I take one class. My job is boring. School is boring. I went to class tonight, and well...all I can say is that I might as well have taught class tonight myself. I knew what my professor was going to say. I could have completed his sentences. I was done writing a sentence in my notes before he was done talking.
Time to be finished with college? Oh yeah. To all those waving me on to grad school - fuck you. I will go when I am good and ready which is when I am ENTIRELY sure of what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. At the moment, I have NO idea. I have to do something. Everybody does something. I'm not doing anything. I have no money. I live at home with my parents. If I want to DO anything, I need to get a job. I don't want to. Just saying that is hard enough. It's not that I don't want to work. I do. I want to be independent more than anything in the world. I just want to do something meaningful. Something worthwhile, for once. I hate feeling useless. I hate that what I'm doing is not benefiting anyone. It's not even really benefiting me, which was the whole point of college, right? I just feel useless. I feel like I have all this knowledge. I have random bits of information. I have little pieces of the puzzle. I'm not doing anything with it. Well I should have done an internship, right? I should have gotten involved in school so my resume would stand out in a crowd. Well I didn't, and it's too late for that now.
I was not the best student in college. Never. I know this. I skipped class a lot. I had things that at the time they were going on seemed more important. Maybe they were. I don't know. Of course if I went to class and followed the rules I would have done just as well as in high school, but I didn't follow the rules, and I did exactly what college students are not supposed to do. I partied too much and cared too little. Why did I party? I don't know. I was a quiet geek in high school. I wanted to have fun. Why does anyone party? Who cares? I don't regret that. Were I not to have done the things I did, I would still be an awkward 14 year old trapped in a 22 year old's body. So I don't regret it. What now? I've partied plenty. It's still fun. I want more than that though. I want my life to be meaningful, and meaningful to me. I couldn't care less what it means to other people...other people are other people, and there are about five or six who matter I've noticed, and they continue to be the same five or six year after year. Maybe one year the six become seven, but at this point I can't really say if that seven will last, so let's stick with six. It's just an approximation anyway.
The whole point of this I guess is that I have been considering some things. Considering only, because if I don't find a job and fit into the American perfect cookie-cutter society, I want to have options. I want to explore. I want to do this anyway, it's just that...well...I've been looking into things that might let me do it sooner. I feel like I spend a lot more time evaluating where I might end up than some people do. I think a lot of people tend to not think of the future and just keep moving in the path that they are on. They never stop and evaluate and think if it is what they really want to be doing. Because if I look at my life in ten years...I want to look back and be happy and proud of what I've accomplished and experienced. I DO NOT want to be that asshole that looks back and goes, "Oh, fuck...I dropped the ball. Really WISH I would have done something different."
That is unacceptable. I refuse to have a life filled with boring ordinary. This is not to say that interesting things can't happen here in good old CT, but so far they are not. I hate when people cop out and leave just because things aren't going their way: aka they run away. I don't really think I would be doing that. I like Connecticut for the most part. I'm ok with living here for now. It's my home. I just wanna see some more things, and do some more things. All I see here right now is people who are my age building lives and families that I am not ready for. I can live by myself if I get a job, I just know I'm not going to be happy doing that. I just know myself well enough to know it won't be enough. I'll be bored. I get bored easily. I've lived on my own already. Joy. Jumped that hurdle. Yeah, it's hard. I had money issues. I had roommate issues. I've done all that. I know how I'll be when I live entirely on my own, which is a hermit who only gets out when her closest friends drag her and her family makes her come home and have dinner. It seems silly to my friends, because to them I am the most talkative outgoing person in the world. In actuality, I'm really shy.
I know the shyness is part of who I am, but it's also part of how society looks at me. I look like the quiet girl who doesn't know anything. Thanks, and yes, appearances are deceiving. Oh, and yes, I have my eyebrow pierced, and no, it didn't hurt, and thanks...it's not really a big deal, I forget it's there most of the time and I did it when I was 18, and thanks for judging me all at once when you have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. Lord how I wish I could say that to all the jackasses that ask me this at the package store. Oh yeah...also...I am old enough to drink, and even though you are 45, I still probably know far more about alcohol than you do, seeing as you're still buying Natty Ice and Busch Light. Oh and hey...I really don't know much about it either. I'm just 22 after all. I know I look like I am sixteen but it doesn't mean I am an idiot.
Wow I guess I missed blogging. Doesn't matter really - paper notebooks, online blog...I can go on and on about shit. It really is shit, all of it. I know I will figure stuff out, I always do, and life doesn't really have a pause button. If life had controls I'm pretty sure most people would just fast forward to see what happens at the end. We are curious beings, after all. Gotta know what the great afterlife is all about, right? Who knows. Knowing me, I'd trip and hit rewind. Wouldn't it be nice if I had something better to write about than my lame corner of existence? We'll see. I've been doing a lot of thinking...which I do all the time, but specific thinking. Thinking about what I am going to do. I feel like that past gone dandelion that someone blew off all in one breath into the wind. Nice, isn't it? Except now I'm all over the damn place, and drifting over everything, and unable to land. Oh, and I probably make you sneeze.
Time to be finished with college? Oh yeah. To all those waving me on to grad school - fuck you. I will go when I am good and ready which is when I am ENTIRELY sure of what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. At the moment, I have NO idea. I have to do something. Everybody does something. I'm not doing anything. I have no money. I live at home with my parents. If I want to DO anything, I need to get a job. I don't want to. Just saying that is hard enough. It's not that I don't want to work. I do. I want to be independent more than anything in the world. I just want to do something meaningful. Something worthwhile, for once. I hate feeling useless. I hate that what I'm doing is not benefiting anyone. It's not even really benefiting me, which was the whole point of college, right? I just feel useless. I feel like I have all this knowledge. I have random bits of information. I have little pieces of the puzzle. I'm not doing anything with it. Well I should have done an internship, right? I should have gotten involved in school so my resume would stand out in a crowd. Well I didn't, and it's too late for that now.
I was not the best student in college. Never. I know this. I skipped class a lot. I had things that at the time they were going on seemed more important. Maybe they were. I don't know. Of course if I went to class and followed the rules I would have done just as well as in high school, but I didn't follow the rules, and I did exactly what college students are not supposed to do. I partied too much and cared too little. Why did I party? I don't know. I was a quiet geek in high school. I wanted to have fun. Why does anyone party? Who cares? I don't regret that. Were I not to have done the things I did, I would still be an awkward 14 year old trapped in a 22 year old's body. So I don't regret it. What now? I've partied plenty. It's still fun. I want more than that though. I want my life to be meaningful, and meaningful to me. I couldn't care less what it means to other people...other people are other people, and there are about five or six who matter I've noticed, and they continue to be the same five or six year after year. Maybe one year the six become seven, but at this point I can't really say if that seven will last, so let's stick with six. It's just an approximation anyway.
The whole point of this I guess is that I have been considering some things. Considering only, because if I don't find a job and fit into the American perfect cookie-cutter society, I want to have options. I want to explore. I want to do this anyway, it's just that...well...I've been looking into things that might let me do it sooner. I feel like I spend a lot more time evaluating where I might end up than some people do. I think a lot of people tend to not think of the future and just keep moving in the path that they are on. They never stop and evaluate and think if it is what they really want to be doing. Because if I look at my life in ten years...I want to look back and be happy and proud of what I've accomplished and experienced. I DO NOT want to be that asshole that looks back and goes, "Oh, fuck...I dropped the ball. Really WISH I would have done something different."
That is unacceptable. I refuse to have a life filled with boring ordinary. This is not to say that interesting things can't happen here in good old CT, but so far they are not. I hate when people cop out and leave just because things aren't going their way: aka they run away. I don't really think I would be doing that. I like Connecticut for the most part. I'm ok with living here for now. It's my home. I just wanna see some more things, and do some more things. All I see here right now is people who are my age building lives and families that I am not ready for. I can live by myself if I get a job, I just know I'm not going to be happy doing that. I just know myself well enough to know it won't be enough. I'll be bored. I get bored easily. I've lived on my own already. Joy. Jumped that hurdle. Yeah, it's hard. I had money issues. I had roommate issues. I've done all that. I know how I'll be when I live entirely on my own, which is a hermit who only gets out when her closest friends drag her and her family makes her come home and have dinner. It seems silly to my friends, because to them I am the most talkative outgoing person in the world. In actuality, I'm really shy.
I know the shyness is part of who I am, but it's also part of how society looks at me. I look like the quiet girl who doesn't know anything. Thanks, and yes, appearances are deceiving. Oh, and yes, I have my eyebrow pierced, and no, it didn't hurt, and thanks...it's not really a big deal, I forget it's there most of the time and I did it when I was 18, and thanks for judging me all at once when you have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. Lord how I wish I could say that to all the jackasses that ask me this at the package store. Oh yeah...also...I am old enough to drink, and even though you are 45, I still probably know far more about alcohol than you do, seeing as you're still buying Natty Ice and Busch Light. Oh and hey...I really don't know much about it either. I'm just 22 after all. I know I look like I am sixteen but it doesn't mean I am an idiot.
Wow I guess I missed blogging. Doesn't matter really - paper notebooks, online blog...I can go on and on about shit. It really is shit, all of it. I know I will figure stuff out, I always do, and life doesn't really have a pause button. If life had controls I'm pretty sure most people would just fast forward to see what happens at the end. We are curious beings, after all. Gotta know what the great afterlife is all about, right? Who knows. Knowing me, I'd trip and hit rewind. Wouldn't it be nice if I had something better to write about than my lame corner of existence? We'll see. I've been doing a lot of thinking...which I do all the time, but specific thinking. Thinking about what I am going to do. I feel like that past gone dandelion that someone blew off all in one breath into the wind. Nice, isn't it? Except now I'm all over the damn place, and drifting over everything, and unable to land. Oh, and I probably make you sneeze.
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