Drinking some new Sixpoint Resin and contemplating my last few journal entries. I hate how I flip around so much. It's just so clear I'm directionless. A couple months ago I was bemoaning my job and saying how much I wanted a new one, and now I'm contemplating the wine manager thing. The wine manager thing is what I'm going to call it, because right now it's turning into a mess of stress that I don't want to deal with. I told my boss I was interested. This is the truth. I am very interested. Unfortunately, I think that he doesn't see it as something serious, and that is a big problem for me. He is being rather cavalier and nonchalant about the whole thing now. Before, he was making it out as if it were a big deal and it was going to happen right away and blah blah blah, but now it's "we'll talk sometime this week" and "Well I got you up to 40 hours for the time being and we'll continue our talk in the next couple days" BLAH BLAH BLAH.
I am not willing to get screwed over by this. I'm just not. I fully intend on dictating this to him. This is important to me. It's my future. I want him to take it seriously. If he's not going to take it seriously then it might be time for big changes for me. Such as...quitting. Quitting is a scary thing in this economy, but sometimes I think I just won't be able to motivate myself to get another job unless I don't have one at all. The problem is that I am hearing different things from different people, and they all make sense. Some of my friends and family are extremely excited, but others have reservations. The problem is that the reservations are coming from my coworkers who have worked with my boss and know how he can be. They understand why I myself have reservations about essentially marrying myself to this place for years. My problem is that I don't think my boss is taking this seriously. Huge f-ing problem, and I am bouncing back and forth like a damn yo-yo on it. The problem is that without this, I don't know what the hell I'm doing either, and then I'm back to square one, which is back to sending out resumes and selling my soul to huge corporations who could give a shit less about their employees.
Life is stressful. Gotta make money, and have to sell your soul to do it. It seems to be the way of the world today. Not everyone is going to get rich with their own business, but for anyone who doesn't, the future seems rather bleak. The future of everything seems pretty damn bleak, but I'm a cynic by nature, so you never know. I am more confused than ever.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Job Dilemmas
I haven't blogged anything in a long while, and if I knew more people read my blog (a very teeny tiny number of people even know of its existence) I wouldn't write this here at all. I have a need to hash out a dilemma. I have been writing about trying to find a job after college and being directionless as to a career path for two years. I am nearing my 25th birthday. It's less than a week away. I have long since realized that my degree is probably going to go to waste, and that perhaps the career path I thought I wanted, which was counseling, is not really what I want at all. I have had a few interviews, a couple of which I haven't bothered pursuing because of distance or pay or both. I had an interview for a job a couple weeks ago which went very well but was simply a receptionist position in an insurance claims management office. I had a good feeling about that job after the interview, but after two weeks time I received an automated email telling me that the position was cancelled and would not be filled. I have gotten extremely tired and cynical about the entire job hunting process. It seems doomed to make even intelligent unique individuals fail. It's a tangled web of resumes and qualifications and hiring managers and HR departments, all which seem designed to reduce human beings to numbers. The cover letter is a guise to make job seekers feel as though they may have a chance to stand out in the sea of qualified applicants. These days, the best and simplest way to get a job is by knowing someone. They call it networking. Networking gets people jobs that they aren't even qualified for. All you need is one person to vouch for you and the job can be yours.
Anyway, as a shy person, a lot of that is difficult for me, although I do see its value. I do not think it's fair. I think nothing about the hiring process is fair, but as life isn't fair as we all know, this is a consequence of that. All of this has led me to my current dilemma. After hearing that I was not going to get the job at the claims management company, my boss at my current job offered me a sort of promotion. I work at a very large wine and liquor store. I always have to explain to people that's it's not your skeezy corner package store. It's a big store, and I have two bosses who are dedicated to their business and cater to the more high end customer, meaning the customer who buys the expensive craft beers, fancy liqueurs, and fine wines. There is an enormous customer base for this - larger than most people realize. Anyway, I have two bosses, one who handles beer and liquor, and one wine. They are twin brothers. Previously at my job I was a part time cashier, who moved up to full time for part of the year when I became a shift manager for the cashiers. Basically I'm still a cashier, I just have more privileges than the rest. I get called on when there is a problem, train people, etc. etc. etc. I am not a manager for the whole store. I have no say at all with the beer stock boys or the wine department unless I am helping them with stocking.
Obviously I've learned a great deal in my time at the store about beer and wine and liquor. Beer and liquor is simple, and because of our extensive selection of craft beer I've developed a taste for it and an interest in it and recently started homebrewing. Wine is more complicated in my opinion. I have learned the basics but I still consistently have to call who I call the wine guys even for simple questions. I feel unconfident when talking about wine as opposed to how I feel talking about beer or liquor with customers.
Then my boss asked me last week, if I would like to be made into a wine manager. Apparently he was planning on hiring a new person from within the industry already, but he told me that if I am willing to commit to stay there for some time, then I would receive better pay and benefits, full time hours all year long, and that he will teach me everything he knows about wine. This is extensive. It is flattering. It also means I would be stuck there for a number of years, but also that I would have the potential to move up and on in the business eventually. It means I'd be working one on one all the time with my sometimes irritating boss and the current wine manager who can be very nice but also has a huge ego. They are both men in their upper forties to fifties. Very conservative, business minded people. They are also both incredibly knowledgeable about wine. I don't know where they learned it or how, but I've always been intrigued. My dilemma is with the time commitment, as well as the seriousness of what he's telling me. Is he actually going to have time to teach me all these things, or am I going to be fed to the wolves by customers who need good wine recommendations? It's a chance to get away from the cash register and to make more money, to be stable. Probably it would have terrible hours (mostly nights) and I don't know how much money he's talking about. Either way, it would help me pay for my apartment that I'm planning on getting with a friend soon.
All of these things are plaguing me, and I need to ask him these questions before I make a decision. He gave me a week to think about it. I know that he thinks I can handle it all, and that in and of itself is very flattering. At the same time, I already feel stuck where I am, and I don't want to end up in a position where I'm more stuck but unhappy doing what I'm doing because I'm awful at it, or just wishing that I had actually done something with my degree. It means that my bosses will watch me grow up even more, and watch me succeed or fail. I don't want to fail. I am interested in wine, but I don't have the confidence with it. Essentially what I'm doing is sales, something I never thought I would do. I really wish someone would tell me what to do, but I have nothing. I have a week, and then the offer is gone. I'd like to think that I have so many more options available to me to choose from, but I really don't. I have nothing ahead of me but the liquor store, as depressing as that sounds. And isn't it better to be making more money doing that than to be bored as hell as a cashier? It's like...I'm here anyway...why not make the most of it? When I look at it that way, it's hard to say no. There are other things to consider though. I feel like he's giving me an offer that he knows I can't refuse. It would be fucking stupid to refuse it. But what if what if. What if it doesn't work out? I can't go back to being a cashier? Then what? What if it turns out he doesn't have the time to teach me everything he knows. What if I feel like moving away in a year or two years? Two years from now, who will be working at the store, who will I be, where will everyone else be? Too many questions without answers. I'm tired and all of this still hasn't led me to an answer. Happy almost 25, Aubrey. Good night.
Anyway, as a shy person, a lot of that is difficult for me, although I do see its value. I do not think it's fair. I think nothing about the hiring process is fair, but as life isn't fair as we all know, this is a consequence of that. All of this has led me to my current dilemma. After hearing that I was not going to get the job at the claims management company, my boss at my current job offered me a sort of promotion. I work at a very large wine and liquor store. I always have to explain to people that's it's not your skeezy corner package store. It's a big store, and I have two bosses who are dedicated to their business and cater to the more high end customer, meaning the customer who buys the expensive craft beers, fancy liqueurs, and fine wines. There is an enormous customer base for this - larger than most people realize. Anyway, I have two bosses, one who handles beer and liquor, and one wine. They are twin brothers. Previously at my job I was a part time cashier, who moved up to full time for part of the year when I became a shift manager for the cashiers. Basically I'm still a cashier, I just have more privileges than the rest. I get called on when there is a problem, train people, etc. etc. etc. I am not a manager for the whole store. I have no say at all with the beer stock boys or the wine department unless I am helping them with stocking.
Obviously I've learned a great deal in my time at the store about beer and wine and liquor. Beer and liquor is simple, and because of our extensive selection of craft beer I've developed a taste for it and an interest in it and recently started homebrewing. Wine is more complicated in my opinion. I have learned the basics but I still consistently have to call who I call the wine guys even for simple questions. I feel unconfident when talking about wine as opposed to how I feel talking about beer or liquor with customers.
Then my boss asked me last week, if I would like to be made into a wine manager. Apparently he was planning on hiring a new person from within the industry already, but he told me that if I am willing to commit to stay there for some time, then I would receive better pay and benefits, full time hours all year long, and that he will teach me everything he knows about wine. This is extensive. It is flattering. It also means I would be stuck there for a number of years, but also that I would have the potential to move up and on in the business eventually. It means I'd be working one on one all the time with my sometimes irritating boss and the current wine manager who can be very nice but also has a huge ego. They are both men in their upper forties to fifties. Very conservative, business minded people. They are also both incredibly knowledgeable about wine. I don't know where they learned it or how, but I've always been intrigued. My dilemma is with the time commitment, as well as the seriousness of what he's telling me. Is he actually going to have time to teach me all these things, or am I going to be fed to the wolves by customers who need good wine recommendations? It's a chance to get away from the cash register and to make more money, to be stable. Probably it would have terrible hours (mostly nights) and I don't know how much money he's talking about. Either way, it would help me pay for my apartment that I'm planning on getting with a friend soon.
All of these things are plaguing me, and I need to ask him these questions before I make a decision. He gave me a week to think about it. I know that he thinks I can handle it all, and that in and of itself is very flattering. At the same time, I already feel stuck where I am, and I don't want to end up in a position where I'm more stuck but unhappy doing what I'm doing because I'm awful at it, or just wishing that I had actually done something with my degree. It means that my bosses will watch me grow up even more, and watch me succeed or fail. I don't want to fail. I am interested in wine, but I don't have the confidence with it. Essentially what I'm doing is sales, something I never thought I would do. I really wish someone would tell me what to do, but I have nothing. I have a week, and then the offer is gone. I'd like to think that I have so many more options available to me to choose from, but I really don't. I have nothing ahead of me but the liquor store, as depressing as that sounds. And isn't it better to be making more money doing that than to be bored as hell as a cashier? It's like...I'm here anyway...why not make the most of it? When I look at it that way, it's hard to say no. There are other things to consider though. I feel like he's giving me an offer that he knows I can't refuse. It would be fucking stupid to refuse it. But what if what if. What if it doesn't work out? I can't go back to being a cashier? Then what? What if it turns out he doesn't have the time to teach me everything he knows. What if I feel like moving away in a year or two years? Two years from now, who will be working at the store, who will I be, where will everyone else be? Too many questions without answers. I'm tired and all of this still hasn't led me to an answer. Happy almost 25, Aubrey. Good night.
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