Thinking

It's really hot out. I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. Not that that is anything new, but I notice as I get older there are things I take pleasure in that I wouldn't have as a child, and things that I took great pleasure in as a child that I care for very little now. I mean that's a pretty obvious thing to happen as you grow up I guess. My biggest thought is just that it's a little disconcerting when you think about it and realize that everything you thought you knew about yourself might be wrong. I have to remind myself that there are things about me which are constant and will never change - the things I am most happy about myself as a person in general, and will always be a part of me and who I am.

As usual I am not entirely sure where I was going with that. I guess I analyze life and the changes that happen in it more often than most people. I feel very aware of things. It's almost hyper-awareness. Then again...some things I wish I wasn't so aware of sometimes. I feel as though my place in the world is not defined. I have no place. I do, but at the same time I don't, and that is a very lonely thought. My place is always in between. It's as if I'm constantly just out of reach of something amazing. I haven't quite figured out how to reach that something amazing. I guess I'm always at an "in-between" stage. I don't know if I can't get to the other side because I'm not ready for it or if I am just afraid that it won't be better than right now. Maybe right now is the best I'll ever have, and crossing that bridge will just make me look back in anguish at what once was. The thing is, no matter what, you cannot think this way. I cannot think this way, and I know it. It makes no sense, and it's not as if I won't eventually cross the bridge. I have to. There is simply no other choice. I have to know what happens next. I would regret more not going than I would to go in the end, so I will. I need to build up more confidence in my abilities. I am capable of much more than I ever give myself credit for. For some reason a long time ago I taught myself to downplay everything. Now, right when I need to do the opposite, that is working against me. Who knows. Sometimes I just need to stop thinking so much and just do. I do that sometimes, but not with anything potentially life changing. I want to make the right decision. Maybe nothing is the right decision. I guess I'll find out at some point. Tired of typing, and it's hot.

June

I am bored. Second day off in a row, and job prospects are looking worse than ever. I got a call from some kind of hiring manager who told me she would "forward my resume." I wouldn't mind working for this company, but just because this woman forwarded my resume does not mean anything. She just forwarded it. We'll see. I hopefully have some kind of an interview on Friday...it should be interesting since it's something I never thought I would want to do...Supervised visitations. Who knows. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do something you hate. I hate doing that...but hey. Worse things have happened. I really need to make some money, and I really need to stop sitting around my house doing nothing. It's getting me nowhere rather fast. I'm wasting time. I despise boredom, yet it's following me like a plague anyway. If I do not get a job by the end of the summer I am going to apply for AmeriCorps in a different state and move away for a year if I make it in. I need to shake things up a little. I don't really think the Peace Corps is a good idea only because it is for SO long. Two years is a long time. We'll see. I do like Connecticut, but if there's ever a good time to do service work, it's right now, while I'm young.

I'm tired of talking about jobs. The weather can't make up its mind lately but it's been more cloudy and rainy than anything else. It makes me tired. I don't know what to write about. I've been reading House of Leaves and it is amazing, but complicated. There's something gripping and terrifying and satisfying about it. I can't wait to finish it so I can read it again. That sounds strange, but it's just the type of book that you can read again and read it in an entirely different way. I might go read it for a while now actually. I have trouble reading it during the day for some reason, but I think since it's so dark and depressing outside it might be ok.

23

I suppose it's time to update the blogosphere. I have survived until 23, which I personally feel is a massive accomplishment. I graduated. It was anticlimactic, and finding a job quite literally sucks. I hate looking and applying. I finally got a call back this morning. I have not called back yet. I will. The guy said nothing about an interview, just "I was reviewing your resume and have some questions, please get back to me." It's better than nothing, right? I suppose. I am applying for jobs which I have little interest in for the most part. I just have to do something, or I will never be able to get those sweet jobs which pay good salaries and require two years of experience in whatever. The job market is literally pathetic at the moment anyway, so any job doing anything where they are willing to train me is fair game. I hope that whatever I find, if and when I do, isn't too far away.
UConn called asking me for money. Thanks a heap, Uconn. Way to make me feel even more shitty about being a sucky college student and having no job. I need a job pretty soon. I have student loans I need to pay back. The job that called me today is part time, so if I could keep working the packy part time and do that in order to get experience, it would be good, but they only have "questions" so we shall see. I applied for a job in Boston. It's in Arlington. I thought it was them that called until I realized that the number was an 860 number. I felt like a moron, but I have to say I am relieved. I do not want to move away unless the job is so completely bangin' that I can't say no. This job wasn't.
Other than finding a job, life is pretty damn good. The weather, minus the last couple days has been beautiful, summery, and amazing. I have had a mass amount of time to hang out with my friends and drink too much beer. Jess, Allen, and I made homemade martinis for my birthday at Allen's. Allen gave me flowers, and Jess brought a cake. It was a lot of fun, and far better than my birthday last year. I have been enjoying my summer and enjoying the weather. I have great friends. Michelle is home so we are going to spend time together today, and I will get to play with her puppy. I would like for my parents to get a new puppy, and they want one too, but my dad says he "doesn't have time." I laughed and said, yeah, but I do. I have all the freakin' time in the world at the moment. Who knows. I need to go and take a shower so I can call this guy back and see what his "questions" are. It should be interesting. Peace all.