Rain and More Rain

Basically that is all this summer has consisted of weather-wise. With the exception of a couple days, it has rained and rained, and it's still raining. There hasn't been any ungodly hot weather at all. Where is summer? Why have I not been going to concerts? Why haven't I been to the beach? Am I really complaining? Not really. It's just been a different summer, that's all. I am starting to remember what I did when I was at home in Stafford. Listen to music, read, decide to do things like learn to play guitar because I get overly motivated. Talk seriously with my dad about finishing the house - cleaning everything out of here and laying down the floors, then putting real doors on, finishing the siding, etc. To do this, everything in this house needs to disappear. All of my mother's stuff. Junk piled upon junk piled upon junk. Most of it could be thrown out or recycled. Do we use it? Not really. I can only imagine if this house was the beautiful house it should have been. My dad walked me around and explained what it was supposed to be like. I wish it had been. My parents deserve it. Time for dinner.

Home Again

Sometimes I think everyone needs a fresh start. It's what I've been needing for a long while. Also, a break from all the parties and nonstop craziness. Don't get me wrong, I love parties and partying. Sometimes though, you need to get away from everything. There is no better place to do this than in this humble corner of this small town. I am enjoying being home for the moment. The shower is terrible as always, and there are far too many bugs to suit me, but I missed the space, and not being bothered by people whose lives I could give two shits about. My landlady can suck it - so glad I don't have to deal with her anymore. I do not plan on being here for a long time. Longer than the two months I was here for last time, but not for a long time.

Some other random thoughts:

- I appreciate things so much more now.
- I'm currently completely and totally head over heels.
- This means I am in danger.
- I am simultaneously loving and hating every second of it.
- Hopefully I will be visiting Kansas in the next month.
- No one that I know will be happy about it, or think it's a good idea.
- Fuck reason, and fuck their opinions.
- I want to go back to school so I can get it over with now.
- I don't even feel like the same person I was a month ago.

Twilight Zone

Right when I think my life is awfully boring, then bam...along comes something that forces me to think otherwise. I'm definitely in a transitional period right now. I don't know what it is or why every time I have to move in and out of an apartment there is change happening that is not just my living situation. Usually it has nothing to do with me moving at all, and once again, this is the case. I don't know what to make of it except that mostly it makes me feel like I am constantly living in a strange Twilight Zone - someone else's life that can't be mine but is so very mine at the same time that it couldn't possibly belong to someone else. I do not care about other people's bullshit problems or their immaturity. It doesn't seem important. Probably because it really isn't. My parents did call and stress me out earlier, but a few beers and some leftover stuffed shells should solve that problem pretty quickly. I haven't been sleeping enough.

I have learned how to drive my car decently well...certainly not perfectly and tonight on my way home from work I regressed. I stalled three times. I haven't stalled at all in three days. That's what overconfidence does to you. I do just need to keep doing it, though. I have been doing better. Not perfect, but much, much better. I absolutely and positively ADORE my car. Pretty much everything about it is amazing. Most people were much happier for me about it than I anticipated. I have developed a habit of expecting very little from people. Sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's bad. I know exactly where it came from and why. It's good because when people don't do nice things I don't get upset. If someone treats me like shit, I can just let it roll off my back and have no worries - I wasn't expecting anything more. On the other hand, if someone does treat me well and is nice to me, I am questioning them as to why I deserve them to be nice to me. I know it's a bit fucked up, but it's a bad habit I can't get out of. I am always appreciative, but I guess after meeting so many fucked up people in life, I have lost my faith in goodness a little bit. I need to work on that. I think I'm going to see if I can get my internet to play some TV shows since I no longer have a TV here, and try to not think so hard about everything and enjoy my beer. Worrying is such an unnecessary waste of time and energy.