Boredom/Life

It's time to admit it. I like my life a lot. In fact, I love it. There's nothing to complain about. I know great people. I have an amazing family and amazing friends who like to have a good time, But...I am bored. I am bored as fuck. I'm admitting it. I'm bored. Not even really lonely...in fact I enjoy alone time. It's just that...really? Is this what I'm supposed to look forward to when I graduate college? I can't WAIT to graduate. Approximately three weeks. All I can think is...what am I doing? Why am I here? And why am I SO DAMN BORED? I have...uber time. Time coming out my ass, basically. I work three days a week, and I take one class. My job is boring. School is boring. I went to class tonight, and well...all I can say is that I might as well have taught class tonight myself. I knew what my professor was going to say. I could have completed his sentences. I was done writing a sentence in my notes before he was done talking.

Time to be finished with college? Oh yeah. To all those waving me on to grad school - fuck you. I will go when I am good and ready which is when I am ENTIRELY sure of what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. At the moment, I have NO idea. I have to do something. Everybody does something. I'm not doing anything. I have no money. I live at home with my parents. If I want to DO anything, I need to get a job. I don't want to. Just saying that is hard enough. It's not that I don't want to work. I do. I want to be independent more than anything in the world. I just want to do something meaningful. Something worthwhile, for once. I hate feeling useless. I hate that what I'm doing is not benefiting anyone. It's not even really benefiting me, which was the whole point of college, right? I just feel useless. I feel like I have all this knowledge. I have random bits of information. I have little pieces of the puzzle. I'm not doing anything with it. Well I should have done an internship, right? I should have gotten involved in school so my resume would stand out in a crowd. Well I didn't, and it's too late for that now.

I was not the best student in college. Never. I know this. I skipped class a lot. I had things that at the time they were going on seemed more important. Maybe they were. I don't know. Of course if I went to class and followed the rules I would have done just as well as in high school, but I didn't follow the rules, and I did exactly what college students are not supposed to do. I partied too much and cared too little. Why did I party? I don't know. I was a quiet geek in high school. I wanted to have fun. Why does anyone party? Who cares? I don't regret that. Were I not to have done the things I did, I would still be an awkward 14 year old trapped in a 22 year old's body. So I don't regret it. What now? I've partied plenty. It's still fun. I want more than that though. I want my life to be meaningful, and meaningful to me. I couldn't care less what it means to other people...other people are other people, and there are about five or six who matter I've noticed, and they continue to be the same five or six year after year. Maybe one year the six become seven, but at this point I can't really say if that seven will last, so let's stick with six. It's just an approximation anyway.

The whole point of this I guess is that I have been considering some things. Considering only, because if I don't find a job and fit into the American perfect cookie-cutter society, I want to have options. I want to explore. I want to do this anyway, it's just that...well...I've been looking into things that might let me do it sooner. I feel like I spend a lot more time evaluating where I might end up than some people do. I think a lot of people tend to not think of the future and just keep moving in the path that they are on. They never stop and evaluate and think if it is what they really want to be doing. Because if I look at my life in ten years...I want to look back and be happy and proud of what I've accomplished and experienced. I DO NOT want to be that asshole that looks back and goes, "Oh, fuck...I dropped the ball. Really WISH I would have done something different."

That is unacceptable. I refuse to have a life filled with boring ordinary. This is not to say that interesting things can't happen here in good old CT, but so far they are not. I hate when people cop out and leave just because things aren't going their way: aka they run away. I don't really think I would be doing that. I like Connecticut for the most part. I'm ok with living here for now. It's my home. I just wanna see some more things, and do some more things. All I see here right now is people who are my age building lives and families that I am not ready for. I can live by myself if I get a job, I just know I'm not going to be happy doing that. I just know myself well enough to know it won't be enough. I'll be bored. I get bored easily. I've lived on my own already. Joy. Jumped that hurdle. Yeah, it's hard. I had money issues. I had roommate issues. I've done all that. I know how I'll be when I live entirely on my own, which is a hermit who only gets out when her closest friends drag her and her family makes her come home and have dinner. It seems silly to my friends, because to them I am the most talkative outgoing person in the world. In actuality, I'm really shy.

I know the shyness is part of who I am, but it's also part of how society looks at me. I look like the quiet girl who doesn't know anything. Thanks, and yes, appearances are deceiving. Oh, and yes, I have my eyebrow pierced, and no, it didn't hurt, and thanks...it's not really a big deal, I forget it's there most of the time and I did it when I was 18, and thanks for judging me all at once when you have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. Lord how I wish I could say that to all the jackasses that ask me this at the package store. Oh yeah...also...I am old enough to drink, and even though you are 45, I still probably know far more about alcohol than you do, seeing as you're still buying Natty Ice and Busch Light. Oh and hey...I really don't know much about it either. I'm just 22 after all. I know I look like I am sixteen but it doesn't mean I am an idiot.

Wow I guess I missed blogging. Doesn't matter really - paper notebooks, online blog...I can go on and on about shit. It really is shit, all of it. I know I will figure stuff out, I always do, and life doesn't really have a pause button. If life had controls I'm pretty sure most people would just fast forward to see what happens at the end. We are curious beings, after all. Gotta know what the great afterlife is all about, right? Who knows. Knowing me, I'd trip and hit rewind. Wouldn't it be nice if I had something better to write about than my lame corner of existence? We'll see. I've been doing a lot of thinking...which I do all the time, but specific thinking. Thinking about what I am going to do. I feel like that past gone dandelion that someone blew off all in one breath into the wind. Nice, isn't it? Except now I'm all over the damn place, and drifting over everything, and unable to land. Oh, and I probably make you sneeze.

Small Worries

I suppose I should make this a short post while I finish my coffee because right now the weather feels literally like summer, and it is about 75 degrees and sunny with a breeze. It's not going to last either, according to the weather report, and I have oodles of time today since class isn't until 6 pm. I feel as if maybe this weather is an apology for the crappy winter as well as crappy last summer we had. Of course it wasn't all good...we had about three or four days of straight rain and apparently half the state flooded. Of course where I live didn't, but fortunately my town, and me, are all situated on top of a gigantic hill.
I'm seriously worried about my class right now. I took my midterm...and I did not receive a grade back for it. I wrote my professor an email about it and have not gotten a reply. My grade has not been posted. I would have written an extra credit paper had I been aware of my midterm grade...as I am pretty certain it probably wasn't all that favorable. Anyway, my grade in this class is based off of two exams, a midterm and a final. Since I did not do an extra credit paper, that is all I have. After that, I am supposed to graduate. I need these three credits to graduate. If there is something wrong, well...I need to know, and now. I guess I'll try emailing the TA's instead, since apparently my professor is too busy to bother to respond. I just need to make sure I'm passing. I couldn't care less about my GPA anymore...there is no helping it anyway. I'd like to get at least a C though. Last semester aided my GPA a little...just a little. I have a tendency to forget about school this semester since I only go once a week. I already feel like I'm not really in school. Anyway, I'm a little worried. Probably if I email the TA's they will let me know what's going on. I will be livid if something happens to prevent me graduating. Livid. I don't know.

I don't even know why I'm still inside. This is a useless post. I have lots of things on my mind, but I can't even begin to sort them out here. I'm going outside.